So you saw a ghost last night, and now you’re afraid of everything.
A how-to-proceed-with-your-life guide.
Maybe it was the way the ominous shadowed figure stood over your bed at exactly 11:34 p.m. Or perhaps the innate fear took hold when you began screaming at the top of your lungs, and the dog ran into your room whimpering and trying to ward off the ethereal spirit with her incessant barking.
It could have even been when you looked over to your window, while still screaming, to realize it was open and likely you’ve awoken your neighbours with your cries.
Any one of these instances may have embedded the terror that you are now experiencing on a minute by minute basis.
It doesn’t help that your spouse has taken the children and is out of town for the week visiting family. You are suddenly ruing the fact that you had to stay behind because of work obligations.
How are you supposed to work anyway when there is a ghost lurking around your bedroom at all hours? Who is this ghost? Why didn’t he introduce himself when menacingly staring at you while you slept?
Was that a portentous chill you felt while writing about said ghost just now? Probably yes. It is a well-known fact that spirits do not like being written about.
Fear no longer! Here is what to do if this exact situation befalls you:
1) Directly after the ghost sighting, move into the spare room where the dog sleeps and spoon the canine for the rest of the night. Wake her up each time you hear a weird sound.
2) Closely monitor the dog’s reaction to any and all sounds. If she freaks out, surely you are dealing with another ghost because, as EVERYONE knows, dogs are pretty much the only ones who can sense entities from the spirit world.
3) Wake up feeling like you’ve been hit with a truck.
4) Investigate the end of the bed area to see if you can find any concrete evidence that there was a ghost there only hours before.
5) When you find nothing, shake your head and think, of course, I didn’t find anything; ghosts don’t have pockets to carry around calling cards. Duh!
6) Try to go about your business as usual. However, as you are drinking coffee, make sure to send this exact message to your spouse, who so inconsiderately left you in the house with a ghost.
7) They will respond with something like this:
8) Be put out by their remarkably cavalier response to you seeing a dang ghost!
9) Take the dog for a walk and understand with a visceral sort of knowing that the ghost is still following you. You know this because of the way the dog keeps strangely sniffing at the air. Then realize there is a snake in the long grass beside the walking path. Begin to flail in panic, nearly knock a person off his pedal bike when he tries to pass you — because of the combined fear of the snake and the suspicion that the biker was actually another ghost sneaking up to spook ya. Call out to the cyclist that you’re sorry, but don’t be surprised when the bike rider just gives you a dirty look and keeps on riding. Obviously, he has never been in a scared-for-your-life-because-of-a-ghost-spotting situation.
10) Cut the walk short because clearly, you are in some serious danger right now.
11) Lock yourself in your office and pray. Even though you’re not a religious person, God will probably be okay with that, right? You know, just praying for the sake of praying because you think it might help ward off evil spirits.
12) Hunker down for the night with a butcher knife tucked snugly between the box spring and the mattress. You’re not sure if the butcher’s knife will fare well against the spirit world, but you feel better about it being there all the same.
13) Do not sleep. Yes, your eyes feel like they have sandbags weighing them down. And sure you have started sporadically crying because of lack of REM sleep. It. Does. Not. Matter. As soon as you fall off to dreamland, that goddamn ghost is going to roam back into your room and wake you up by being all ominous and shit.
14) Repeat steps 9–14 until your family arrives home and tell them they are never allowed to leave anywhere without you again.