Submissions to The Hit Job

Not as ominous as it sounds

I can’t tell ya what I’ve found

Who the hell do we think we are?

Excellent question. Let’s start there.

Here’s the official line: The Hit Job’s witty and deep-thinking writers tackle the outrage + fun + occasional football insight that’s swirling around in the zeitgeist. We like the unpopular opinions, and your ability to back it up. We’re also suckers for wit.

I think that sounds pretty good. Almost corporate. In reality, The Hit Job is an amalgam of wicked, wicked thoughts from a collection of talented and semi-talented writers with itches to make their points of view known to readers who like the funnies, the thought-provoking, the outrage, the absurd, the provocative and the NFL. And also personal problems. They have a lot of personal problems. But they’ve asked me to quit mentioning that so you never heard it from me.

Who the hell do you think you are?

It’s a fair question, since we’re spilling our guts here. What’s your story? Actually, we don’t need to know. Just trying to keep you off balance. What we care about are the words you want to offer up.

Our categories are humor, pop culture, social change and NFL football. Naturally, politics play a big part in that since we’re all so woke these days. Be sure to tag your submission with one or more of those and we’re off to a good start.

If that sounds like you, give us a shot. All you gotta be is good + have a point of view.

Bad words are not a requirement. But they do sometimes sneak in to The Hit Job.

What do you get?

The satisfaction of a job well done. I know, that sucks, but we’re not big enough yet to pay big bucks.

You do get one more thing. We promote the sh!t out of your writing on every social media platform we can get our hands on. Sometimes, your good writing + the social media push + the gods of @Medium make you a viral sensation. Sometimes you just crack me up. Or make me think. I hate that, but it happens.

In the real world, I outwardly yell about good writers in The Hit Job, as well, but that only gets me funny looks from my dog. I’m lonely, is what I’m saying.

Are there meetings?

No.

Are there rules?

Yes.

I mean not many. But we’re not nihilists. Here are a few:

We follow (generally) AP style. If you’re not familiar with it, I suggest you get so. The № 1 thing to remember is not only should your headline be super swell, full of raw emotion and interesting words but it should also be in sentence case. And brief.

If it isn’t, it will be when it gets published. Can’t live with that? Move along to a different publication.

That doesn’t sound very charitable, I know, but we’re not running a charity. This is a publication with an eye on growth.

And title case — or worse — all caps headlines — are death to good communication. Your proper nouns and names get to be capitalized (yay!) and will stand out all the more because they are not floating in a sea of brain-numbing, capitalized words.

If you’re a fan of the Oxford or serial comma, we’re gonna fight. There is no need for such crimes against smooth writing. Keep it clean, commas & conjunction-wise. There is only one thing worse than a serial comma.*

Other’n that, surprise me.

Will there be editing involved?

Yes. The Hit Job edits for style (see directly above), formatting to remain consistent with the publication’s look + feel, for web publishing best practices (keep the paragraphs short, wicked ones!) and for clarity (rare) and will fix typos.

All provided at no charge to you. You just have to deal with some unknown person savagely murdering your word-babies while you watch helplessly from afar. Hopefully, you’ll see the wisdom of the very light hand that will get applied to your genius construct.

Please proof your submission before sending it in. I get cranky.

Image is everything

I’ve heard that said before. It’s a sad truth for word-makers, but since we’re in the online world, 100 percent of your potential readers are going to see the image. Another 80 percent will read the headline and then only about five percent will read all of your words. So says David Ogilvy. Listen to him. (Never take my word for anything. My wife doesn’t. And she’s a much happier, well-adjusted person. On the surface.)

Where was I? Images. Images are important, is what I’m saying. So add a good one, please. If it’s not your original work, please cite where it came from. We don’t steal or plagiarize in The Hit Job. When the inspiration + opportunity arises, I create images for pieces. Talk to me about that sometime. I’m reasonable. Ish.

So who owns my work?

You do. I’m just tryna help. And reach a bigger audience for both of us. And get some things off my chest. And impress my wife (who never reads this far). And have some laughs. And be entertained by some talented and semi-talented, wicked, wicked writers.

Can I remove my work from The Hit Job?

Yes. But don’t. It’s not cool.

Can I submit stuff that’s already been published on Medium?

Yes, but we prefer drafts. Because we’re vainglorious, selfish and want to feel pretty. And also because we aim to publish at peak times and give you a social media bump as soon as it’s published. (Your article’s shininess fades quickly on Medium and other social media platforms, so if you’re going to go viral, you gotta get engagement quick.) We try to make that happen.

Mostly we fail, like that time we tried skating, but sometimes things take off. Like my young body on skates just before my head hit the pavement.

Let’s quit talking about my painful memories. So, yeah, we take already published pieces, but someday we won’t. When we get yuge. Then we’ll be picky as can be. And let’s quit talking about my painful memories.

Is brain damage ever funny?

Of course not.

Do my pieces have to agree with your editorial point of view?

Nope. We publish stuff that’s got a strong take that I don’t hunnert percent agree with. Go for it. Just tag it with one of our topics.

Shouldn’t you have put up another classic British band from the ’70s by now in a lame and transparent attempt to seem cool?

Shut up.

Can I submit something that has already been published elsewhere?

You mean other than Medium? Is there such a place? Yes. For now. Someday, no. But we’re not that big yet. Someday, I’m tellin’ ya. Then they’ll be sorry.

Are you guys any good?

Well, one person thinks so. And Colette Clarke Torres knows from what she speaks. She is totally real. And if you try to say she isn’t, we’re going to fight.

How did you come up with the name, “The Hit Job,” anyway?

I can detect your condescension. It’s borderline harassment. Which means you might be a good writer for us.

See, we started out as a football-only publication. We later expanded into the other areas that tickle our fancy, float our boats, etc. The name serves as a reminder to have a hard take on everything we discuss.

Pretty good explanation, right? It’s much better than the explanation for how The New Pornographers got their name. So we feel like we have that going for us, which is nice.

I feel oppressed by the word, “submission” and all its forms. Is there another word we can use?

Nope.

OK, then. How do I submit?

Send an email to julian@jujuic.com.

What the hell is jujuic.com?

It’s the website for Juju Eye Communications. Keep that in mind. There will be a test.

How did you come up with the name “Juju Eye”?

The name was created to answer the question, “What rhymes with ‘moo moo pie’?” Also, my nieces nicknamed me Juju back when they could still remember who I was. Also, The Beatles.

How can I make your life better, easier and more enjoyable?

Can’t tell you how long I’ve waited for someone to ask me that question. You’re a peach. And because you’re a peach, you understand that clicking those recommend hearts on Medium are golden goodness. Please share your clicks liberally on the heart thingies for your fellow writers in The Hit Job. They will do the same for you. Some will, anyway. Others just don’t get it. Be someone who gets it.

Similarly, like, share and follow your fellow writers on the social media platforms in which you waste your wicked, wicked life.

You make me tingle.

I get that a lot. Put it into words in the comments below. And that wasn’t a question.

Is there anything else I should know?

Probably. But I’m tired. Go write something. These people did:

How could you leave out The Jam? Or The Clash?

I didn’t.

They don’t all have to be red.

*Jam bands. They’re the worst.

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