Surviving Coronavirus: a satirical guide brought to you by Donald Trump.

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Hello, it’s me: America! You know, the one you wanted to make “great again?” Well, here’s the good news: if by “great again,” you meant draining the swamp of such unhelpful things as global health initiatives and the U.S. Pandemic Response team, we succeeded!! Let’s give each other a pat on the —

WAIT. STOP! Don’t give each other anything!

Um, I mean, not that human contact is wrong. As long as we all wash our hands, there’s really no reason to worry. You see, we have a fearless leader who has assured us that Americans are much stronger than the average person. Since we didn’t get much guidance beyond that, we can only assume that Americans have some kind of Krypton-esque strength that those other “shithole” countries don’t have.

The other good news? The White House has released a step-by-step guide to ensure that no one gets coronavirus:

Step one: Don’t be old

Just don’t do it! If you’re over sixty, just think to yourself: I’m fifty and feelin’ fine. AND THEN IT WILL HAPPEN. At this moment, Trump has aged backwards to a ripe twenty-nine, and has amassed the ability to deflect viruses. They will literally bounce off of him and onto poor people! That’s how much he cares about this country, y’all. And if you can’t perform the very simple act of aging backwards in this frightening (I mean, not frightening — normal!) time, well than maybe you deserve to get coronavirus. Ever think of that?

Step Two: Stop being chronically ill

Look, everyone. We get it. It’s super fun to have a chronic illness. You get to complain all the time, and miss work while us hardworking able-bodied Americans cover your asses. When I think about the utopia that is living with a chronic illness, well, I admit: I get jealous. But be prepared if you choose to keep up this lifestyle. Us real Americans are ready to officially change your status from “hypochondriac” to “plague-riddled monster.” And, you know what? If you have a cough, you need to place yourself in a bubble NOW. We don’t care about your post-nasal drip, y’all’s. One cough from your privileged butt and we’re sending you away for GOOD. Where, you ask? Well, we really can’t be around you, so we’re thinking: indoor children’s obstacle course? That sounds safe and devoid of germs, right? No? Well, the only way to avoid this fate is to simply stop being chronically ill. If Trump can do it, so can you!

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Step Three: Scaredy-cats who can’t age backwards or stop coughing can use sick leave!

I mean, if you simply follow steps one and two, I don’t think we’d have a problem. But if you insist on failing to take this administration’s advice to become a twenty-nine year old super-human that deflects viruses, then what can we do? Just stay home!

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Wait, what? You only have limited sick leave, and if you don’t go to work, you might lose your health coverage? Or you work part-time and could get fired for opting to stay at home, even when you have symptoms? You’re pregnant, and need to save all of your sick leave for after squeezing out that shorty because of our failure of a postpartum program?

Sounds like a “you” problem.

Also, healthcare problems? That was Obama’s fault anyway. Wait, can we actually blame Obama for the coronavirus? Let’s get a team to work on that…

Step Four: Don’t even look like you’re from another country.

Seriously. Don’t even do it. Because, friend, you’re not flying or existing in this society if you do. If you even resemble peoples from the following countries: [List redacted due to excessive length], good fucking luck, man. As Trump made clear, this is a “foreign” virus, and us good, hardworking [also see: White] Americans want no part of it.

Step Five: Don’t worry about Coronavirus

This is the simplest step of all. Like the White House has made clear, coronavirus is completely under control! The only places where people are getting coronavirus are those hippy-dippy liberal states who let just anyone in. And, guess what? Trump’s border wall is actually made from Chlorox wipes. Did you know that? I’ll bet you didn’t. Thanks, liberal media! Anyhow, we have a massive border wall made of Chlorox wipes, the tests are literally being delivered this moment, and only truly weak people get the coronavirus, so…

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…We’re all fine! And, according to recent polls (*taken exclusively in the oval office, multiplied by 300 million), 200% of people think that Trump is handling this TREMENDOUSLY. We hope you have found this step-by step guide useful. And remember, if you follow this guide and still get coronavirus, it’s definitely Obama’s fault.


Author’s Note: While I do not take coronavirus lightly (especially being among the CDC’s listed “vulnerable parties,” I do think that some people need to laugh in the face of what we’re seeing right now. Because it’s big, scary, and it’s gonna get darker before it gets lighter. So, right now, since all cold medicine is sold out at local locations, I’m trying for the whole “laughter is the best medicine” thing. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get all my coughs out of the way now so that they don’t kick me out of Target for having allergies. LET’S HEAR IT FOR POST NASAL DRIP, Y’ALL’S!!!

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

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