The Hit Job
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The Hit Job

The CIA finally worked out how to get rid of Donald Trump

… and it’s not what you’re thinking

Don’t ask me how I know (my sources have become deeply embedded somewhere I’d rather not reveal), but the CIA aren’t big Donald Trump fans.

They hated The Apprentice (it’s full of people who want to take credit for things they haven’t even done), and as an organisation that prides itself on intelligence, they’re having a hard time dealing with the fact that Trump’s their boss now.

Like most of his opponents, the CIA assumed Trump would trip up sooner or later. No need for a JFK-style conspiracy here; eventually he’ll use the N word at a press conference and impeach the shit out of himself.

But as time goes on, the question among his detractors has changed from “What will he do to get himself impeached?” to “What does he have to do to get himself impeached?”

The CIA don’t need to be asked twice to get proactive. After hiring their buddies at the NSA to conduct an in-depth analysis of Donald Trump’s tweets, they realised there was no need to put strychnine in his Happy Meal after all. His Achilles’ heel was staring them right in their Achilles’ face.

He takes himself too seriously.

And if you think the CIA don’t have a spy cam set up in the Oval Office, you’re probably one of those people who thinks God can’t see what you do in Incognito Mode. Not unlike the Almighty Lord, the CIA are always watching- so they get to hear all the stuff Trump doesn’t tweet. Apparently when he doesn’t have an executive order to sign he spends most of his days reading YouTube comments about himself with Fox News on in the background. The videos don’t even have to be about him, he just skims through the comments section until he finds his name (he hasn’t heard about ctrl + f yet).

In fact, this was the inspiration for the first item of fake news the CIA dropped about Trump’s intelligence briefings the other week:

According to a report published Wednesday by Reuters, Trump is more likely to read national security briefing materials if his name is mentioned in as many paragraphs as possible.

Rather petty stuff, if you ask me. But wait, it gets worse:

Unnamed officials who have briefed the President and others familiar with his learning processes told the publication that Trump still prefers one-page memos and visual aids.

Wait a second, are you implying he’s stupid?

One anonymous source said he would sometimes have to dress up as a character called “The Bigly Dinosaur” and sing Trump’s intelligence briefing to him while doing a silly dance.

Seems almost unbelievable, doesn’t it? Well folks, that’s because it is. This is fake news, through and through.

In reality, Donald Trump has one of the greatest, most tremendous IQs you can have:

He has a reading age of at least fourteen, maybe even higher. He just finished Harry Potter on audio book — and, for the last time — it’s big league, not bigly.

The CIA don’t care, though. They’ve got their sights firmly set on Trump’s self esteem, and they won’t stop until he’s more fragile than a Project MKUltra victim.

But it’s a dangerous game they’re playing. If we don’t get a press conference in the next few weeks in which Trump dispels rumours about his attention span by listing all the highly classified information he can remember from his last intelligence briefing, I’ll be very surprised.

So, if you happen to be a spy who’s spent years infiltrating the upper echelons of ISIS (as are many of my readers), it’s time to come home.




humor | culture | football | trouble

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