The most tremendous president, believe me

Somewhere in the first 100 days of the Trump presidency

Rudy Giuliani: You wanted to see me, Mr. President?

President Donald Trump: Rudy!

RG: Yes, Mr. President.

PDT: RudyRudyRudyRudyRudy!

RG: Sir?

PDT: You know, from that movie. You know the movie? The one I’m talking about?

RG: Of c- … Yes, Mr. President.

PDT: You wanna play catch, Rudy?

RG: Catch?

PDT: Yeah, catch. I got a football.

RG: I don’t see a football, Mr. President.

PDT: Rudy, don’t be a loser! It’s right here on the desk!

RG: That, sir? That is a …

PDT: It’s a football! The football of all footballs. The most tremendous, really fantastic, believe me, football. It’s unbelievable.

RG: Uh …

PDT: It’s the nuclear football. Jesus Christ. Try to keep up.

RG: That’s the nuclear football? In that satchel? With the ketchup stains on it?

PDT: Uh, yeah.

RG: Sir, you are playing with the nuclear football?

PDT: No. Well, not really. Not playing catch or anything. But that would be pretty unbelievable.

RG: Unbelievable, yes.

PDT: I just got it out so I could show you and the interns.

RG: Mr. President, you showed the nuclear football to White House interns?

PDT: Not all of ’em. Keep your shirt on. Just the hot ones.

RG: Sir, as Attorney General, I …

PDT: Calm down. You’re unbelievable. Rudy. Rudy! They don’t know the codes.

RG: No, of course.

PDT: I used dummy codes! It totally cracked ’em up! They totally bought it. They’re like, “Are you sure this is OK?” “What does that button do?” “How many fail-safes are there and in what order?” That Anya really cracks me up. Quite the figure, too. She’s coming back later with some vodka. So let’s keep this short.

RG: Sir. Mr. President. The code sequence is, was, shown to … your interns?

PDT: No! I told you. I used fake codes. The real ones are here on this sticky. Kidding, loser! That’s Anya’s number. The serious guy with the suit comes in with a key and fresh codes. It’s terrific, really tremendous.

RG: Oh.

PDT: Yeah. Cool, right?

RG: Uh, just so I understand, you went through the launch sequence using fake codes with who, exactly?

PDT: I told you, Anya, Nadya, Vladlena, one other one. Big tits. Really tremendous.

RG: Uh …

PDT: Tic Tac?

RG: No, thanks, Mr. President.

PDT: Suit yourself. I always keep ’em around. You never know.

RG: Sir, again, as the Attorney General, I have to advise you that showing staff without the necessary clearance …

PDT: What? Showing what?

RG: The location of the nuclear football. How it works …

PDT: This is just sad. Very sad.

RG: Sir?

PDT: You’re a loser, Rudy.

RG: Mr. President, there are security protocols. I don’t even have clearance as Attorney General. Where is your Chief of Staff, Peter Thiel?

PDT: Don’t know. The interns came in, then he left.

RG: I, uh …

PDT: Relax, Rudy. It’s all secure. I taped the whole thing. Tweeted it just a few minutes ago. Everyone knows. What’s your problem?

RG: Mr. President, you tweeted video of you running through the nuclear launch codes with your interns?

PDT: Yeah. I’ve got millions of followers. Gotta give ’em something. I’m blowing up right now.

RG: I, uh …

PDT: Rudy, get the door. Who’s banging and yelling out there? Is that Anya?

RG: No, sir. I don’t think it is.

© Julian Rogers

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