The Hit Job
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The Hit Job

To Donald Trump, the entire world is Sesame Street

Brought to you by the letter ‘I’ for ‘Impeach.’

Pictured: Donald Trump.

Remember how awesome it was, when Trump met with Chinese President Xi Jinping, who, after talking with Trump, quickly realized he had to patiently explain what China and North Korea ARE to Trump. First Xi Jinping used his voice, and then, seeing the look of confusion on Trump’s face, acted it out for Trump with sock puppets.

The Chinese president graciously overlooked the fact that he:

  1. Was obviously speaking to an imbecile, and
  2. that he was fed parasitic food at Mar-a-Lago that violated all known health codes. Many attribute Xi Jinping being so good-natured about this, was due to the quality of the chocolate cake he was served, despite it also violating all known health codes.

Since then, many world leaders have taken it upon themselves to “TUTOR” Donald Trump. For example:

  • The Prime Minister of Australia, Malcolm Turnbull, was kind enough to explain that The U.S. and Australia are not at war, which greatly softened Trump’s stance toward Australia.
  • U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May, taught Trump about how he needs to hold the hand of an adult when he’s outside, to prevent him from running off into traffic.
  • And Vladimir Putin taught Donald Trump how to win elections, in exchange for state secrets and other favors.
Pictured: Two Mexican-Americans, who are about to be deported, protest at Grump Tower

NOW, Israel’s own Benjamin Netanyahu, has taken it upon himself to teach Donald about how Israel is part of the Middle East, as something Trump should know, whenever Trump is in fact, IN the Middle East. This happened during the “Donald Trump 2017 World Comedy Tour.

Trump’s advisers had planned the tour under the assumption that Trump would do SO many goofy things, all over the world, that it would distract from the many Russia allegations that Trump keeps insisting on making look more and more suspicious 1200–1400 times per day. And, of course, this plan worked WONDERFULLY.

Sure, Trump sold weapons to Saudi Arabia, a country that is known for its groundbreaking innovations in sword dancing and inventing 911, BUT we got to see Trump’s singular dancing skills! (Think: Lobotomized Travolta, but covered in Danny Bonaduce’s pubic hair, and striken with polio, and you’re half way there.) Here’s a video I created to showcase Trump’s awesome dance moves. (You’re Welcome).

Netanyahu, had originally learned of Trump’s disorder(s), due to Trump’s sharing secret Israeli intel with Russia, which promted Netanyahu’s decision to no longer share classified information with the U.S., about who wants to blow up the U.S., and how they plan to do it.

“I just called I.C.E. on you,” says Trump to Hispanic woman, who has not been seen on Sesame Street since.

Upon meeting Netanyahu, (and Netanyahu’s staff), Trump, using his amazing abilities, immediately said: “I just got back from the Middle East.” Then, as is common in Israeli culture, everyone in the room with Trump looked at him for half a second, and then doubled over in hysterical laughter, and fell off their chairs. Overheard comments included “Tee hee, hahahah, Oh Schlomo, I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so hard! Look! Chiam’s rolling on the floor, and is close to passing out!”

This went on for about 146 minutes until the room of Israelis finally wiped their eyes and petered down to occasional chuckles.

Netanyahu said to Trump, “Yalla, my friend, you are still in the Middle East. Israel is located IN the Middle East. Seeing the confused look on Trump’s face, Netanyahu first attempted to explain this by using various maps, but eventually went the route of using marionettes to explain, (taking a cue from Xi Jinping’s puppet idea).

Trump responded: “So, you guys AREN’T located in Florida?”

Then, once the Israeli’s hysterical laughter again eventually died down, Nethanyahu said “No, my friend, Mr. Hazit*, we’re not in Florida.”

*“Hazit” is Sephardic slang for someone you pity for their debilitating idiocy.

Trump responded “Wow … now that I know this, making peace in the Middle East is gonna be WAY harder than I expected….”, causing another bout of uproarious laughter, followed by comments such as “Oh my, Shoulie! … ha ha ha … I can’t breathe ! I think Chiam blacked out … from laughing so hard … see if he’s breathing….”

More on Trump’s 2017 Comedic World Tour coming soon, because as he does more insane, terrifying and idiotic things, we’ll be right here to report it.

Written by Steven W. Rouach

FUN FACT : Every time you hit the little “recommend” heart on the bottom of the page of one of my stories, an angel gets its wings, instead of plummeting to a horrifying death due to winglessness.





humor | culture | football | trouble

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Steven Rouach

Steven Rouach

Is a carbon based life form from Earth. Anyone who tells you he's not is absolutely lying. He's known for being dashing, heroic & humanity's last, best, hope.

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