To Russia with love
New adventures of a real president for fake times
New excerpts from Donald Trump’s hacked personal diaries contain more devastating revelations:
May was a terrific month for me, as my administration continued to run like a fine-tuned machine. Just as I expected, all of my highly relevant prior experience has really been paying off. Although I do admit, one thing I didn’t have prior experience in is firing so many people.
With the amazing success of my presidency, I’m confident I will be re-elected in another landslide. And though I will be 74 in 2020, age should not be an issue, since I still feel like I’m 35. Not to mention, I have the hair of a 25-year-old — literally!
In fact, recently I was even mistaken in a picture for a small child. Although it’s true that only my hands were visible.
The month got off to a great start when the House of Representatives voted to repeal and replace Obamacare. The vote was close but it would have been a huge landslide if not for all the illegal votes cast against the bill. My attorney general, Jeff Sessions, was especially upset that representatives from some “island in the Pacific” were allowed to vote.
Around that same time, I spoke to the media about my admiration for the greatest American president of all time, Andrew Jackson. One of the amazing things about Jackson was that he was tough, but he had a big heart — so big, in fact, that when the Civil War broke out, Jackson was devastated, even though he had already been dead 16 years.
Like me, Jackson never got the credit he deserved. For example, though this isn’t well-known, it was actually Jackson who wrote the “Gettysburg Address,” about his pain over the Civil War. Abraham Lincoln then delivered the speech, and the term “ghost writer” was born.
And though some have claimed Jackson was a racist, I believe that if Jackson were alive today, he would get along great with another true American hero, Frederick Douglass.
While speaking about the late, great Andrew Jackson I also mentioned how the Civil War was something that could easily have been avoided. Some fake media attacked me for this, so I did some more research about it and even spoke to my HUD Secretary Ben Carson, and it turns out I was right all along. The cause of the Civil War was something minor that should have been worked out: Some immigrants were working harder for less money than others.
I achieved another great victory for America when I fired that nut-job James Comey as director of the FBI. Some corrupt media claimed I fired Comey to put an end to the Russia investigation, which is ridiculous. In fact, this whole Russia story is the biggest hoax since global warming.
My firing of Comey had absolutely nothing to do with Russia. I fired Comey because he is a showboat. And he isn’t fooling anyone with that hair!
Also I totally fired Comey because of Russia.
Mitch McConnell recommended that I nominate Judge Merrick Garland to replace Comey, but I told Mitch I don’t think Garland would be a good fit for the position.
“Well that’s unfortunate,” Mitch responded, “I was looking forward to not holding hearings for him.”
Of course the Democrats attacked me over firing Comey. Worst of all was Chuck “Fake Tears” Schumer, who pretended to be all upset about the firing. I haven’t seen acting that bad since I accidentally walked into a Meryl Streep movie.
I also got really angry when I heard so-called comedian Stephen Colbert say on his show that I’ve been giving oral sex to Vladimir Putin. And all this time I thought it was Barack Obama who was wiretapping me!
Fortunately I don’t let all that negativity affect me. As my spokeswoman Hope Hicks said, I exude positive energy. In fact, I have positivity pouring out of me like blood from Megyn Kelly’s … wherever.
After firing Comey, I figured it was the perfect time to meet with the Russians and give them some classified intelligence we received from Israel. Though I gave the Russians highly sensitive information, I never used the word “Israel.” In fact, I deliberately threw the Russians off by telling them the source of the intelligence was a country in the Middle East!
After my terrific meeting with the Russians, I left for a very successful overseas trip. I met with some other world leaders on my trip and one of the issues we discussed was whether the United States should remain part of a global warming treaty. I decided that I could not commit to having America remain in the treaty. As I explained to the other world leaders, global warming is just a hoax the Chinese created in between making my ties.
When I returned home, my son-in-law Jared Kushner was being attacked over some meetings with the Russians. It got me thinking that perhaps I should take a break from hiring close family members.
Fortunately, the person I have in mind to replace Comey is someone who I don’t have any kind of close personal relationship with, and who no one would ever accuse of being biased in my favor.
I just hope Melania would be interested.
