Top 8 places to be a dick besides the Internet

You won’t believe these places exist!

Apparently, there was a time, before you were merely the 500th person to call some such public figure a “fucking disgrace” online, where one could be a total dick without those pesky hand cramps from angry swiping!

What follows is a list of places you can freely be a complete ass without the nagging voice in your head telling you, “Hey, guy. Maybe calling some such female politician the c-word because she dared to state an opinion that is only 90% but not 100% in line with your beliefs isn’t a good idea. Maybe you should think about some such female politician’s seven year-old daughter reading that word and how it will make her feel to see thousands of people using the same word to describe her mother.”

FUCK that voice. You won’t be bothered by it anymore. Bye, Felicia!

Take advantage of these amazing spaces and destinations in which you can let those unfiltered thoughts fly:

Your mom’s 2008 Prius

You rock at adulting, girl! You bought your Mom’s 2008 Prius for $9,000 (but really $1,200 at which point you just stopped paying because reasons). You’ve got a car, an insurance policy and you‘re ready to rock because a car is the ultimate place you can really let loose and be a total dick. Some bitch cuts you off who has a “Baby on Board” sticker and a harried look on her face. Fuck that lady and her stupid cute little baby! From inside the depths of the car you scream: “GET YOUR TUBES TIED, JERK!” The harried woman does not appear to hear you. She wipes an errant piece of cereal-encrusted hair out of her face and keeps driving. You’ve done it! You’ve been a complete and total jackass without any permanent consequences!

Situations like this are why the comfort of one’s car is routinely the #1 preferred place to be a dick besides the internet.

A circa-1986 slam book

I know it’s hard not to hop onto a thread and tell someone who doesn’t agree with you that they should kill themselves. Trust me. That desire to tell someone to just effing END IT already is real, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person! After all, bullying someone who made a mistake (everything from calling someone “sweetheart” to being a pedophile — it’s all the same, right?) is not technically bullying.

You see, when someone does something bad, they cease to become a human being. But, just in case that person who did something wrong is actually a human being— someone with people who love them perhaps — try this totally safe space: a Circa-1986 Slam Book. You can rank Trump “Most Orange,” you can vote for Kamala Harris as “Most Prejudiced Against Hardworking White Men,” and you can even list Ben Affleck as “Perviest douche who deserves to get it in the back of a Volkswagen.” Go at it! Slam books are a totally anonymous and secure. Well, unless Jessica Wakefield gets a hold of it.…

Barstow, California

Most people don’t know that Barstow, Calif. is much, much more than that place you are forced to stop and get gas before Vegas. It’s also a place that is so desolate that you can scream all of your horrible thoughts into the dry desert wind. Just go ahead. Have you been feeling sick because you’re holding in all the nasty things you want to say about some such celebrity’s ass getting big? Are you fuming at an ex and wishing you could put up some revenge porn or make a death threat against them without having your social media account suspended?

Scream it, friend. It’s Barstow. And, if you’re a dick to an actual person, well — fuck it, you’re never coming back to Barstow anyway. Win-win!

Your own fucking couch

This is a primo location that a lot of people forget about. Your own fucking couch is a place you can call a friend, talk shit to your bored spouse, or even mutter angrily to yourself with absolutely no consequences. Have you been just dying to start a Reddit thread about your totally lame co-worker? I’ll bet you’re just pissing your pants with glee thinking about how good it will feel to cyber-bully that skank at work who always seems to be “getting knee surgery” or “picking up her kids from therapy.” Ugghhh. She’s the WORST.

But here’s a thought. Why not do it … from YOUR OWN FUCKING COUCH? It’s just perfect in its simplicity! You can call a fellow colleague and kvetch all night, or ramble on to your partner about how your workplace has really become a “toxic environment” since your supervisor asked you to show up on time. Sing it, sister. On your couch!

Your mom’s group / book club / poker group / D&D meetup

Dying to tell someone your two cents on the latest scandal? Tired of being knocked off the top comments because your online dig wasn’t edgy enough? Are you tired of your sanctimonious judgments falling on deaf ears when some troll online claims you’re “violating community standards”? Whatever that means; am I right? Try letting loose some of that pent-up judgment at your next social group.

Are you convinced that everyone’s favorite YA author is really a predator and sex criminal? Try telling your book club instead of blasting your completely unresearched theory all over Twitter. Your friends will probably nod and smile viciously, giving you that validation you need without the annoying consequence of the author’s dumb wife’s tearful public statement about how hurtful it all is. Screw that!

Did you recently read an article all about how breastfed babies are 3,000% more likely to attend Harvard while formula fed babies are all rotting away at community college? I know you really, really want to post this article in response to all the women online who are having trouble with breastfeeding. You’re providing a public service by telling all of these strangers what terrible parents they are! But, try this instead: talk to your all-breastfeeding mom’s group. You can ignore any uncomfortable stares, finding only agreement on their faces, and you won’t have to face the crestfallen tears of some lame bottle bitch!

At the bottom of a liquor bottle

A lot of people forget that the bottom of a liquor bottle is a just amazing place to be a dick. This is for when you’re just tired of carrying it all around, the burden of being the person who re-tweets celebrity apologies tagged with GIFs from Mean Girls and White Chicks.

You know, I get it. That’s a lot of work, and you deserve an award for putting those people you’ve never met in their place. But sometimes the best way to let off that steam is to grab a friend and head down to the local pub for a bottle of whiskey. You can slur all the mad burns you were too tired to make online to your pal, gossip about how your mutual friend has “gone to chub since she went back to carbs” and grab some guy’s butt in line for the bathroom while giggling. Once you blow off a little steam, you can be refreshed and ready to shame people on the internet about sexual harassment and promoting unrealistic body images in women. You earned it!

Thanksgiving dinner

I get it. Your family, right? Can you believe that thing your great aunt said on Facebook about the anthem protests? Wasn’t it just the worst when your teenage nephew popped onto a thread you started and tried to be all calm and reasonable when all you wanted to do was let loose with another “Crawl into a hole and die, deplorable!” And isn’t it annoying when your second cousin responds to one of your epic online burns by sharing well-thought out and researched Twitter responses by Ta-Nehisi Coates in the comments section? I mean, what’s she trying to say — that my amazing Tweet-storm wasn’t as good as award-winning author Ta-Nehisi Coates? Screw you, cuz.

But before you post that ominous Facebook post about how phony some people are, consider this: why not wait until Thanksgiving dinner? It will be much more enjoyable to see the look on your racist uncle’s face when you tell him you wish he’d get blown up by North Korea to his face. So much more fun to do it over, yams, right?! But, let’s be honest, what isn’t better with yams?

A middle school bathroom

Our last destination is perhaps the most iconic. What better place to be a total douche-nozzle than a middle school bathroom? Middle school bathrooms are the new hot place to just let out all the blackness that’s in your soul. They are the home of catty gossip and swirlies — the land of kicks to the ‘nards and cruel comebacks. Next time you just have to torment someone online, why not try heading back to middle school and doing it old school? Find someone — anyone, really — who has made an error in words or judgment and just take them to fucking task against the epochal urinal wall. You won’t have to deal with those annoying preachy people online who tell you that “even if you bully a bad person, you’re still being a bully.” Whatever, right? In a middle school bathroom, what’s the worst that can happen? You get sent to the principal’s office?

Edit: Article edited to note that you WILL get arrested.

So, enjoy, everyone. The world is an amazing place, with scores of places and social situations that enable you to just go totally balls-out and rip into people…and you don’t even need an internet connection!


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Thanks for reading!