The Hit Job
Published in

The Hit Job

Transcript of Blair — Bush phone call on the eve of the Iraq War declassified

Is this the conversation that explains Tony Blair’s later conversion to Catholicism?

Buried deep within the two and half million word report produced by Sir John Chilcot as part of the UK government’s inquiry into the Iraq War is a conversation between Prime Minister Blair and President Bush which, in my opinion, is more important than the rest of the document put together.

On Sunday the 16th of March 2003, after a long day of dodging phone calls and trying to improve his golf swing, Bush finally agrees to speak to Blair.

Blair
Hello?

Bush
Howdy.

Blair
Hi, George.

Bush
This is God, speaking.

Blair
Excuse me?

Bush
(pause)
This is God.

Blair
God?

Bush
Yeah, like, from the Bible?
(pause, loud snorting noise)
Woo hoo! Ho-ly war. Tony? Tony, ya still there?

Blair
Yes…

Bush
Tony, me and Dubya were just talking, and we both thought you deserved a big “thank you” for everything you’ve done. We’re finally gonna get Saddam for daddy and I just …

Blair
“Get Saddam for daddy …?”

Bush
… What’s that?

Blair
You just said, “We’re gonna get Saddam for daddy.”

Bush
Err, yes. Affirmative. It’s an old Texas phrase we use back in … well, Texas. Soon as you see an empty oil field, you and your boys all yell:
let’s go get Saddam for daddy!”
Not sure where it comes from.

Blair
Right, indeed.
(pause)
God, don’t take this the wrong way, but you sound an awful lot like George, just slightly louder and a bit more … well, excited?

Bush
I am speaking through the President, yes. I have the ability to do this.

Blair
I see.

Bush
I am God, after all.

Blair
Quite.

Bush
Tony, I hope you’re not overthinking things again. I’m God, you know. I can hear those thoughts of yours, and … I’m worried they’re clouding your judgment.

Blair
(pause)
God?

Bush
… speaking.

Blair
(inhales)
Are we doing the right thing?

Bush
Why, yes. We are absolutely doing the right thing. Mr Hussein is a bad man. A very bad man. Have you heard what his boy gets up to at weddings? And I love me a wedding. I’m God.
(loud snort)
Yeaah. That’s right.
(sniffing)
The quicker they get to hell, the better.

Blair
But what if we don’t find any weapons?

Bush
Tony. Do you know what we call Hans Blix up here in heaven?

Blair
… no.

Bush
We call him Hands Dicks, cos he plays with himself so much he wouldn’t be able to spot a WMD if the damn thing hit him in the face. Makes you go blind, you know?
(loud snort)
Yep. I see all that stuff.

Blair
So … it’s going to be OK?

Bush
Tony — I’m God — I know better than anyone that you can’t please everyone. Those socialists back in the UK might not like it right now, but at the end of day, they prefer it when the lights work, too. Know what I mean?

Blair
I think so.

Bush
Only God can judge you and … Well, I’m him and I think you should have at it!
(papers rustling)
… It’s like Kennedy said:
“There are risks and costs to a program of action. But they are far less than the long range risks and costs of comfortable inaction.”

Blair
…Yes.
(pause)
Yes, that makes sense. Such wisdom for such a young president.

Bush
Why, thank you.

Blair
He’d know what to do.
But then, wasn’t his most important and legacy-defining decision to not act during the Cuban Missile Crisis?

Bush
(pause)
Err …
… Well, I don’t know about all that but I’m looking at him right now and…
(away from the phone)
What’s that, Jack?
… Yep, he’s giving me a thumbs up.
Thanks, Jack!

Blair
Right.

Bush
Anyone else you want me to talk to?
(loud snort, sniffing)
I would ask Tricky Dicky, but I think he’s downstairs right now, if ya catch my drift?
(laughs enthusiastically)

Blair
No, that’s OK …

Bush
Listen, I’ve got God stuff to do so I’ll have to love you and leave you. Keep up the great body language and … see you in heaven. Semper fi.
(dial tone)

Apparently Blair aged several years during this conversation

Now, you might think T-Dog was hip to Dubya’s game here, but sources close to the former British Prime Minister claim that Mr Blair said he spoke to “the man upstairs” in the days running up to the invasion.

Maybe it’s just easier for him to tell himself that?

Anyway. Luckily enough for everyone involved, the Iraq War went really well, establishing a “flagship democracy” in the Middle East which eventually liberated the rest of the world from oppressive regimes and made Islamic extremism seem completely pointless when everyone has such nice things because of capitalism and stuff.

The end.

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humor | culture | football | trouble

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