Trump’s war against HOUSE ELVES — an open letter to Jefferson Beauregard Sessions

Was it WORTH it, Jeff?

I’ve been trying to wipe that off my hand all day … and now it’s on your shoulder.” (Said Trump, to Sessions)

What do you get when you cross: Kreacher the House Elf from Harry Potter, the grandma from Beverly Hillbillies, Mr. Magoo, a KKK Grand Wizard, and a ferret?

Answer: Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III.

Jeff Sessions is best known for being the inventor of child-sized KKK robes, which he models and manufactures himself. (KKKids Robes©). He was also one of the FIRST guys to jump aboard Donald J. Trump’s* bandwagon on their way to Federal prison.

*(Trump now prefers to be called by his rap nickname, “D.J. Putin’s Butt-Plug”)

THEN, Jeff Sessions decided to recuse himself from an investigation that HE’S ALSO A SUSPECT IN, mostly due to the legal advice of anyone he spoke to that was conscious, or coherent, and/or spoke English. (He did this in lieu of eventually going to prison himself, and being kept in a hamster cage, with a little wheel to run on, as Trump enjoys his 76 hour per week golf habit).

And this VEXED Donald Trump.

“I’m very VEXED!” said Trump.

“He’s supposed to PROTECT me,” said Trump.

See, in the small-monkey-clashing-cymbals-together that IS Donald Trump’s mind, the Department of Justice is SUPPOSED to make it so that all of Trump’s illegal activities somehow become legal, and that Sessions was PUT INTO PLACE to facilitate this. Here’s an exact quote from Donald Trump’s monkey-cymbal brain. I wish I was making this up … I would be able to sleep at night again … but I’m not. These are his exact words, verbatim. He said this. With his mouth. He opened the least useful, and most dangerous, hole in his head, a torrent of small, dead, lizards fell out of it, and he said this:

  • “Jeff Sessions takes the job, gets into the job, recuses himself, which frankly I think is very unfair to the president. How do you take a job and then recuse yourself? If he would have recused himself before the job, I would have said, ‘Thanks, Jeff, but I’m not going to take you.’ It’s extremely unfair — and that’s a mild word — to the president.” 
    (Trump … referring to himself in third person, because THAT’S not weird.)
The terrifying results of Trump’s last brain scan MRI, leaves medical professionals … “concerned.”

So, to those of you keeping score at home, Jefferson Sessions (or, as he likes to be called, “Whitey McKlan-Face”) is the current ATTORNEY GENERAL of The United States of America.

orwptibhjoi3yhmbpioy5m24tiyuvb24t08 — OOMPH ... ow … ow.

Sorry, as I typed that last paragraph, a blood vessel popped inside my brain, everything went red, and my head and face hit the keyboard … the point is, Oh, My GOD, the ATTORNEY GENERAL of the U.S.’s job ISN’T to PROTECT the executive branch of government, but to protect US, you, me, and our friends and family FROM any wrongdoing from the executive branch.

Funny huh? (It’s also not his job to prevent medical marijuana from helping kids with epilepsy, to make his financial backers happy … oh, I could go on, but fear damaging my keyboard with another aneurysm.)

But there is a bright side to all this. KARMA.


  • Karma’s the reason Paul Manafort’s grandchildren will be visiting him in prison. They’ll be riding along with Rick Gates’ family unless Gates comes up with some AMAZING, FUN, information to plea bargain with. (Manafort was Trump’s Campaign Manager, as evidenced by Trump’s claims that he “never met Paul Manafort.”
  • Karma’s the reason Michael Flynn is disgraced, and now is singing his guts out to keep himself, and his extraordinarily idiotic son out of prison.
  • Karma’s the reason Stephen Bannon can no longer afford the treatments that keep his skin flawless, like a porcelain doll, and the natty, designer clothes he would always wear.
  • Karma’s the reason that the next generation of voters will be more likely to inject themselves with liquified mouse droppings than to ever even THINK to vote for a Republican.
  • Karma’s the reason that every Trump property is in the midst of trying to scrub the “Trump” name off of their buildings, the brand all but destroyed. And, Ivanka Trump’s line of SELF-IMMOLATING SCARVES is also not faring well. (This is true. I swear I’m not even kidding about this. Ivanka had a line of scarves, proudly made in China, that were best described as: “INSANELY FLAMMABLE!” and were featured on the cover of “Clothes That Burst Into Flames” Magazine).
  • Karma’s the reason George Papadopoulos’* testimony is the inspiration for why they’re currently decorating a Federal Prison Cell with tacky faux-gold, to house a certain befuddled, and maniacal, racist lunatic, whose whole family is guilty of treason, and money laundering, and whose hairstyle was the visual inspiration for “fettuccine Alfredo.”

*(No relation to Skippy “Fast-Dance” Pop-O’Doppulus, a popular vaudeville star from the 1930s).

Karma’s NOT the reason Rod Rosenstein, the straightest shooter in a crooked world, unleashed Mueller on Trump. Trump is. BUT Karma IS the reason Jeff Sessions’ life is now miserable, due to the constant abuse heaped upon him daily BY Trump. (Tee hee).

See, Sessions is the focus of much Trump ire, and has been ABUSED and RIDICULED and — debased, denigrated, disparaged, degraded (and slapped repeatedly on top of his head — like the little old guy from Benny Hill), every moment of every day by Trump, ever since Sessions decided to recuse himself from the Russia investigation, DUE TO ALL KNOWN LAWS written since the 1770s when Sessions was just but a young boy, shortly before he was cursed by gypsies.

Pictured: Jeff Sessions, when the egg he was sitting on started hatching.

So, was it worth it Mr. Jefferson-Foghorn-Beauregard-Leghorn-Sessions? (aka, Whitey-McKlan-Face). Are you happy with your decision to lie down with a rabid dog to wind up covered in fleas (that are also rabid)?

No need to answer, I know in my heart you truly, deeply, rue the day you ever aligned yourself with an idiotic, learning-disabled, cruel, befuddled and ADHD stricken, sexual predator, who, through your help, and devotion, is now our presidential-place-holder until he’s eventually committed to Arkham Asylum, or faces any consequences for laundering billions of dollars for hostile foreign agents, overt treason, and obstruction — of what we used to call … JUSTICE.

Written by Steven W. Rouach

©2018 SWRouach