TurboTax under Trump

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1 Were you married for the year 2018?

Wait a minute. You’re a woman. Error 404. Please have your husband fill out this form.

2 Did you make money in other states?

That’s nice. President Trump makes money from states and countries all over the world. Enter your piddly little income below.

3 Do you have children or financially support another person?

That’s too bad. You should never let anyone else take advantage of you like that. Make them get a job and carry their weight. Unless you’re supporting your wife, in which case encourage her to start her own clothing or jewelry or fragrance line — the only acceptable forms of employment for women. Trust us on this one.

4 Do you have any income and expenses for a business in 2018?

We love small business owners. But Obama hates them. He passed a law that forbids anyone from giving them tax breaks for the next hundred years. Do you want his home address? We could make that happen for a small donation to President Trump’s re-election campaign. How much should you give? That depends on how bad you want the address.…

5 Let’s take a look at your W-2 Forms.

Please wait ... please wait … please wait … wow that was hilarious. You don’t even make $100K. You should seriously evaluate your career choices.

6 Did you earn income outside the U.S.?

You just entered yes. You’d better not have earned any money from Mexico, Canada, Britain, Jordan, Afghanistan, Yemen, Iraq or Iran. Or Cuba. Oh, you earned income from Russia and the Virgin Islands. Well, never mind. You get a full refund. In fact, here’s some extra money.

7 Do you have any unreported tips?

Well, well, well, a little waitress working her way through college. That’s cute, honey. We’ll just rake 28 percent off the top of those tips and you can go back to refilling drinks. Some free career advice: Get outta the food industry. The real tips happen in strip clubs.

8 Do you have any other W-2s?

So you have to work two jobs to make ends meet, huh? That’s pathetic. Dual income homes are just the worst. We’ve already made our position clear on working spouses. Enter your information. Just don’t expect any special favors. Some of us applied ourselves, and we got a good job that pays enough so we don’t have to beg for work other places.

9 Did you receive unemployment and/or paid family leave?

Fork it over, you shiftless parasite. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. We floated you while you dragged your sorry ass around town looking for a job. Now it’s time to settle up.

10 Did you receive any retirement income for 2018?

We’re going to need half of that back. Sorry, grandpa. It’s not our fault. Your Instagram-loving, millennial grand-daughter blew our budget on hurricane-colored lipstick. Don’t ask. It’s all too complicated for you to understand. But it’s all her fault. She really sunk us with her spending habits.

11 Did you pay alimony in the year 2018?

We’re sorry to hear that. Don’t worry, bro. That bitch is going to repay you. We’ll deduct funds straight from her bank account and transfer it back. She probably cheated on you, right? Kid probably isn’t even yours. We completely understand. We’re making America great again.

12 Did you have any gambling winnings for the year 2018?

That’s awesome! Keep it. Visit Trump Casinos, and we’ll credit you some drink specials. Maybe hook you up with an escort. So much fun. So. Much.

13 Would you like to report any home buyer credit?

Your new home doesn’t even have a swimming pool. No deal. Some free advice: put in a pool, a sauna, a steam room, and a home movie theater. Then we’ll talk about tax breaks.

14 Are you employed as a teacher at a public institution?

Your parents told you not to become a teacher. But you didn’t listen. Now look at you. Sad! When the school voucher program finally happens, you’ll be out of a job. Just quit now and apply to Target or someplace.

15 Did you pay any money out of pocket for school supplies?

That’s even worse. You really think we’ll give you a break because you bought some crayons and construction paper? Don’t make us laugh.

16 What type of health insurance did you have?

We actually only care if you were covered by the ACA? If that’s the case, then you owe us $1,000.00. Too bad. Take it up with Obama. You know that guy’s not even a U.S. citizen, right?

17 Were you a student during the year 2018?

College is for losers. Grad school is for even worse losers. Sorry, let me clarify. Public college is for losers. You don’t even stand a chance. Go meet up with your teacher and ask for a job at McDonald’s.

18 Did you spend money on textbooks?

Nobody ever got anywhere in life by reading books. Do you think President Trump ever read a book? Nope! Your best chance at a “refund” is at the college bookstore, not the IRS. Good luck with that.

19 Did you pay any student loans for the year 2018?

So you couldn’t even afford to pay your own tuition. Okay. Here’s a tip: Don’t spend money you don’t have. If someone like Sallie Mae tries to convince you that college is for everyone, well … hang on. We want to support huge corporations but … wait … ERROR … we want you to support a huge corporation but … we … wait … ERROR … page failed to load. Have you updated your web browser? Oh, here we go, you didn’t update your Flash Player! You idiot, everyone knows Flash is required to use Turbo Tax. Sorry, your tax return is voided. Please report to the IRS. Wait. We disbanded the IRS because we hate taxes. Wait … ERROR … Loading … Balance the Budget … Failed to Load ... Budget … 00000014441044

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