You cannot unsee this — 1980s music video hall of shame
Dance lessons from Billy Squier, anyone? Anyone?
Oh, the 1980s. How we love you so for your … OK, I got nothing. It was the most cringe-worthy of times. If you lived through it, you participated in it too. You know you share in the blame. I had parachute pants. And a mullet. And friends who had the same.
Acid-washed denim. High-waisted jeans. I mean, that could never happen again, right?
So we’re all guilty. But at least we don’t have the burden of responsibility for these videos to carry with us into eternity.
Billy Squier — “Rock Me Tonite”
Words fail. Questions abound. I have to wonder about the review process. Who actually thought this was a good idea and then approved it when they saw how it turned out?
A modern riddle: How can a video simultaneously become an artist’s biggest commercial success (“Rock Me Tonite” reached #15 on the Billboard Hot 100 and made the Top 10 of the Cash Box singles chart) and also ruin a career? This is how. Squier blamed the derailing of his career on the existence of the “Rock Me Tonite” video. Having watched it a few times recently, there is no way that Squier is wrong. If this isn’t a career-ender, nothing is.
The album from which “Tonite” was released, Signs of Life (co-produced by one Jim Steinman; see below), was the last of Squier’s three platinum-selling albums. He never came close to selling at that level again.
The Time — “Ice Cream Castles”
In all fairness, the song is worse than the video. So there’s that. The lyrics begin like this, and then take a nosedive:
We are young, we are free on earth together. Let’s fall in love.
You are fine, you are white, I am of color. Let’s fall in love.
Ice cream castles in the summertime.
Ice cream castles in the summer.
The song never broke into Billboard’s top 100, but it did make it to #11 on the R&B charts.
Jim Steinman — “Bad for Good”
Bizzaro 70s / 80s schlockmeister Jim Steinman decided to stop crafting theatrical pop monstrosities for the likes of Meatloaf, Air Supply, Bonnie Tyler and others, and struck out on his own for this venture in 1981. I dare you to watch the entire video. A sample:
I want to wrap myself around you like a winter skin.
Lyrical consultation provided by Jame Gumb, apparently.
I wasn’t built for comfort, I was built for speed.
Are you sure you want us to know that, Jim?
Chicago Bears — “Super Bowl Shuffle”
Released one month before their win in Super Bowl XX, Super Bowl Shuffle peaked at №41 in February 1986 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.
In typical one-hit wonder style, the band never made another single. Myriad personnel changes occurred in the months after this video made the rounds — everywhere. Certainly due to “creative differences.”
Journey — “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)”
Remember air guitar? Air keyboards? Journey sure does. But the newly appointed Rock and Roll Hall of Fame members would very much appreciate it if you forgot their first video not crafted from concert footage. In other words, they did this on purpose.
These men have families and children. Think of those poor kids that have to get this thrown in their faces in the lunchroom cafeteria. What I’m saying is bad decisions have long-lasting effects on those we love, people.
“Separate Ways” spent eight weeks in the Billboard Hot 100 top 10 in 1983.
Skatt Brothers — “Life At The Outpost”
Hup! Shoot ’em up! Hup! Ride!
Give your love to a cowboy man. He’s going to love you hard as he can, can.
This video answers the question: What would happen if we tried to copy The Village People, but make it less gay, but actually accidentally make it way more gay?
And for the record, gay is OK. But accidentally super gay when trying to be extra hetero = hilarious. A highly entertaining video to watch. Behold. Skatt Brothers, I have no idea what has become of you. But we thank you for your service. And you get extra bonus points for your name.
These are the worst of the worst, folks. I’m sure there are no others that can top these. Unless you want to prove me wrong in the comments below. Do you accept the challenge?
