You Googled what on the family computer?!

So you’ve just fallen down the writer’s rabbit hole known as Google.

Lindsay Brown
Jul 8 · 3 min read
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Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

As a writer, sometimes, our Google searches can turn dark. We ask that magical search engine of truth things like “How to dispose of a body in a believable way” or “Is an icicle REALLY the most effective way to kill a man?” Obviously, this is all for credible facts in the murder mystery novella we are writing. Obviously.

Or maybe these searches are of the more technical kind like, “How to screenshot on a PC” and “Where is the Print Screen button on a PC.”

However, if you are a humour writer like myself, that’s when things get a bit hairy.

The problem is, even when crafting a jokey satire post, one still needs to have credible ideas to back themselves up. There is no guessing at this stuff, man! We need cold hard facts about the hilarity we are committing to paper.

And it was because of this mindset that I found myself trying to explain away the queries splattered all over my Google Search history account.

My husband didn’t question my first few entries as they were pretty tame as far as googling goes:

“Funny doctor names”

There are some hilarious doctor’s names out there, according to Google. Hairy Dick MD and Dr. B.J. Harddick, just to name a few. So yeah, if that isn’t pure entertainment, I don’t know what is.

“Examples of a miraculous pregnancy”

I can’t remember why I was looking up miraculous pregnancy since I don’t recall writing any stories about babies shooting unexpectedly out of vaginas in the Walmart produce section. But it must have crossed my mind at some point because thar she blows in my Google search history.

“What are some slang terms for a bowel movement?”

I have, on a few occasions, lowered myself to write potty humour. Please don’t judge me or my lack of imagination in coming up with alternative names for fecal matter.

“How big does a poop have to be, to be considered a coiler?”

Okay. Maybe I’ve written potty humour on more than a few occasions.

And then it happened.

“Do people really shove gerbils up their butts? If so, what’s that called?”

This. This was what really set the hubs off. (also, it’s called gerbilling. DO NOT look it up.)

“OUR CHILDREN USE THIS COMPUTER!” He shouted agitatedly at me as his mouth dropped open in horror upon finding this Google entry.

I calmly explained that I was writing a satire piece about “the worst thing in the world,” and I was going to make the punchline that the worst thing in the world was baby talking to dogs.

Then that idea would segue into the narrator saying that she never baby talks to dogs, only her pet gerbil … who she is very, very close with. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

“I think YOU might be the worst thing in the world.” He said while scrunching up his face in a disgusted manner. “That’s not even funny. And it’s way too harsh to write about on a public platform.”

My husband’s outrage got me thinking. Yes, maybe the gerbil thing was going too far. So I rewrote the ending of my satire piece to something a bit more subtle. I still think the gerbil ending would have been better.

The writing life is complicated. Especially when Google keeps airing your dirty laundry, and your husband is a total buzzkill.

Maybe one day, when justice prevails, I will be able to Google freely. For now, however, I will remember to erase my search history hourly.

The Hit Job

humor | culture | football | trouble

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