You should definitely get married
Thinking about popping the question? Go for it! And if you’re wondering what you’re in for, ask a married person. Like me! Here is the experiential wisdom our rapturous souls teem with.
Decisions become easy
Have trouble making decisions sometimes? Then you should definitely get married. Once you’re married, every decision you make will be wrong. No need to wonder; you always know. As a bonus, you will get instantaneous feedback on almost all wrong decisions, with the additional benefit of knowing that your wrong decision will be stored, categorized and brought back out for display at crucial moments for the rest of your married life.
Doubt is your closest and constant companion. You still can cast a shadow in sunny weather, but your spouse’s doubt will be there first.
Solve history’s greatest conundrums
Do you like being useful to your fellow humans? You should definitely get married. Throughout the course of your marriage, you will become well practiced at solving all of humanity’s greatest challenges. Through diligent study and application, you will form intractable conclusions on the following:
· Ice / no ice?
· Toilet paper policy: Beards or mullets?
· Shower peeing.
· Toothpaste management.
· Laundry basket hogging.
· Dogs on beds / couches.
· Where are the scissors?
You will also become expert at philosophical quandaries, such as:
· Does football season ever end?
· Does an agreeable room temperature exist?
· Can you put something in the dryer that has not been washed or should offenders be murdered in their sleep?
· Is it acceptable to steal toilet paper from one bathroom for another or should offenders be murdered in their sleep?
· Haven’t we talked about this enough?
· If you wanted your own popcorn, why didn’t you say so?
Sexual variety: The spice of married life
Do you like sex? You should definitely get married. Marriage begets sex. Oh, yes. You know it. The same things over and over. Years and years built together in domestic matrimony — the routine, the familiar rhythms, sights, sounds, smells, irritations, aches, the predictable arguments — they all lead up to the death of sensual excitement.
Therein lies the genius of marital sex. Spouses often go long periods of time without such engagement. They forget. They then forget to care. At this point (the marital sweet spot) when sexual interaction happens, the surprise and re-acquaintance with one’s partner leads to amazing discoveries. When it happens … yowza! “I didn’t know you had those. Or that. Wow!”
It’s like sex with a different person every time. Instant variety — the basic spice of any successful marital arrangement — is achieved.
Bingo!
Do you enjoy meaningful, intimate verbal relations? You should definitely get married. Do you also enjoy games? Then you should definitely, super duper get married. Every day of marriage is a game. Whether you realize it or not you are playing marriage bingo. Your board will include the following chestnuts:
· “What?” shouted from a different room.
· Do you still need this?
· Has the dog been fed?
· Are you going to the store today?
· Did you make anything for dinner?
· I’m on the phone.
· Can you pick up my prescription?
· That’s not what I said.
· Do you not get my texts?
· Who was that?
Get in the game and win!
Constant surprise
Do you like surprises? Then you should definitely get married. Remember when I wrote above that “almost all” wrong decisions will be presented with instant feedback? Surprise! The decisions you made that did not get immediate rejection will be trotted out at random moments! This completes the cycle of doubt, AKA, the marriage covenant.
Love and esteem solidified
Do you wish to live in the warm glow of admiration and devotion? You should definitely get married. At some point in your married life, children and pets will suddenly be present. Your new overlords will make clear the hierarchy of affection and degree of preference you will be allotted. Each child or pet will choose their preferred person. You need not wonder where you rank; it will be obvious and permanent, making it easy to act accordingly when tasked with serving their ongoing demands.
Freedom to do as you please
Do you enjoy independence? Then you should definitely get married.
Convenient parking
Wouldn’t it be great if you never had to wonder where the best parking spot is? If you agree, you should definitely get married. Your spouse always knows where the best parking spot is and you just missed it. There was a spot! Where are you going? We are going to be late. Did you not see that? Just put on your blinker and wave your arm. These helpful maxims will become your mantra and guide you through married life.
See also: You’re in the wrong lane. Why are you going so fast? You’re going too slow. The music’s too loud. My sister is calling.
Forgiveness
We all make mistakes. Do you like the idea of catching a break sometimes? You should definitely get married. Married people enjoy the benefits of forgiveness throughout married life. Unless and until your mistake can be leveraged for personal gain by your spouse.
Cost-effective travel
Do you enjoy saving a buck when you travel? Do you like being asked what time it is on repeat? You should definitely get married. Married people know the best part of any traveling vacation is the day-of-departure preparation. All the “Did you remembers,” the “Have you packed the …,” and “Are you sures?” add to the richness of experience.
Speaking of rich, you are probably not. So, you plan to travel together. Therein lies the genius of married and family travel. When your consciousness fades back in and your vision returns, you will vow to never ever ever ever ever travel with this person / these people again. Yet you will because taking two cars to your destination or separate Lyfts to the airport is just pissing money away.
Well would you look at that? No cons; only pros. You should definitely get married. And you should also definitely buy a house.
