BREAKING: Santa acquitted of elf trafficking

The North Pole, 2:37 p.m., 12/23/2019

“We knew that the truth would eventually come out and that Mr. Claus would be cleared of all these horrible accusations,” said his attorney, Jason Kenney. “You don’t live to be 1,800 years old without making a few enemies along the way.”

Claus’ legal woes began last spring while he was partaking his annual post-Yuletide break on Christmas Island at a yearly conclave of all-cold-weather-holiday icons celebrating the end of the season.

“There was a totally epic beach party raging, man,” Claus’ compatriot, Krampus, told reporters following the decision today. “Santa was really blitzed, and his, er, Yule log was quite visible under his fuzzy red speedo. Didn’t leave much to the imagination.”

In his testimony, Krampus described how Claus was getting “grabby” with some of the elves he had brought with him.

“At one point, one of them yelled, ‘Let me go or I’ll turn you in!’” Krampus explained. “It wasn’t out of the ordinary, but we’re still shocked that the elf trafficking and elf napping charges were brought. I mean, the guy’s bulletproof — literally and figuratively.”

In the months leading to the trial, other elves, a snowman and even a sidelined reindeer made more incriminating statements, which led to…