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Elon Musk Buys TIME Magazine, Declares Himself ‘Man Of The Infinity’
To insanity and beyond!
NY, NY, 02/06/2025, 1:57 PM
In a move that has shocked exactly no one, tech billionaire and professional reality-bender Elon Musk has acquired TIME magazine, ensuring his face will grace its cover indefinitely. Musk, whose net worth recently surpassed the GDP of several small nations combined, made the purchase under the banner of his holding company, Infinite Ego Holdings LLC.
“For years, the media has been ignoring the obvious truth: I am the most important man in human history, perhaps even pre-history,” Musk announced during an impromptu, livestreamed press conference from his diamond-encrusted Mars-ready hyper-yacht. “Time Person of the Year? Too small. Man of the Decade? Insulting. I am now TIME’s ‘Man of the Infinity.’ It just makes sense.”
Under Musk’s new editorial direction, TIME magazine will undergo some radical changes. Most notably, every issue will feature a different artistic rendition of his face, ranging from oil paintings to holographic AI-generated images that follow readers with their gaze. In addition, past covers will be retroactively altered to include his likeness, subtly replacing historical figures such as Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King Jr., and even Mother Teresa.
