Jimmy Carter announces 2020 presidential bid
PLAINS, GEORGIA — Former President Jimmy Carter announced today that he planned to seek the Democratic nomination for the 2020 presidential election. Noting that “nothing in the Constitution says I can’t run,” Carter added that “it sure as hell beats swinging a hammer for those Habitat (for Humanity) folks.”
“So fuck it,” the 39th leader of the free world said. “I’ve got the chops and America knows it. And if anyone thinks I’m too old, let me just say that (Joe) Biden and (Mike) Bloomberg are only 18 years younger than me, and Bernie (Sanders) has only got me by 17 years. And none of those yahoos have been through a gas crisis or know their way around an international hostage situation.”
Carter made the announcement from his home, surrounded by Rosalynn, his wife of 73 years, their four children and all 21 of their grandchildren. Also in attendance was Carter’s personal physician, who certified the 95-year-old was physically and mentally up for the job.
“I feel great,” Carter said, leaping from his seat and performing an impromptu cartwheel across his living room, finishing with a perfect back handspring. “I’ve beaten brain cancer, taken a couple spills that required surgery, but I can still kick like a drunk mule. And unlike some presidents, I can actually read.”
Carter, who led the country from 1977 to 1981, was famously unseated after only one term. When asked why he thinks voters would choose him if he once again became the face of the Democratic party, he leveled his gaze at the closest camera and spoke slowly and deliberately.
“Let me spell this out,” Carter said. “I’m going to run this campaign like I should have run it in 1980. I should have been a little more vocal in my concerns about (former President Ronald) Reagan’s racist views and given specific evidence on how his ‘trickle-down theory’ was a bunch of horse shit. This Trump fellow’s using the same playbook, and frankly I’m going to whoop his ass up and down the Eastern Seaboard. And when I’m done, I’m going to tear down whatever parts of that fucking wall he’s managed to erect and shove them up his fat, orange ass.”
After reporters finished their questions, Carter announced his official campaign website, CarterTakesBackTheWhiteHouse2020.com and shared the official logo: an anthropomorphized peanut punching a Nazi in the face. He then thanked everyone for attending, slammed a 64-ounce Muscle Milk shake and started out on his daily 10-mile-run. This is a developing story.
