Little brother slapped into next week

Lay, Colorado, 3:08 p.m., 10/17/2019

Fifth-grader Hunter Filios was still in shock early this afternoon after witnessing his little brother, Jackson, being slapped into next week by their mother this morning after breakfast. “He was jumping on the couch and Mom said she’d do it,” said the clearly rattled 10-year-old. “She said, ‘Keep it up and I’ll slap you into next week,’ and then she did it. She … she really slapped him into next week.” This is the 27th occurrence of a child being slapped into next week since 1963, when low-level corporal punishment was discovered to create rifts in the spacetime continuum. “Slapping a child into next week has been one of the biggest unanswered questions of quantum physics,” said Abhas Meetra, a high-energy physicist at CERN. “It's the reason I got into this field in the first place. After witnessing my father slap my sister into next week when I was a child back home in India, I knew I wanted to dedicate my life to this. He wasn’t even that strong – it was just a lucky hit.” Jackson’s whereabouts are still uncertain, but his family remains hopeful. “We’ve alerted Child Protective Services, but per protocol, we have to allow a one-week grace period to pass before taking custody of Hunter and prosecuting his mother, Judy Filios-Payne, for slapping her child into next week,” said Colorado State Police Chief Dan Mangina. “We take the temporal endangerment of children very seriously.” This is a developing story.