Nothing to report at Storm Area 51 event, and will someone please tell me who I am?

— Lincoln County, Nevada, 03:21 a.m., 09/21/2019

Despite months of online buzz and rampant speculation, the Storm Area 51 event held yesterday outside the military base known as Area 51 — long rumored to be a secret government storehouse for alien bodies and technology — ended uneventfully. Also: will someone please tell me who I am and just where the hell we are? “Attention everyone,” said a man who just entered the room, dressed all in black and wearing dark sunglasses, despite the minimal lighting in this … bunker? warehouse? holding cell? “There was an accident involving some swamp gas, a weather balloon, and the aurora borealis. Some of you may have sustained some memory loss. We are notifying your families and will have you all home soon. Thank you for your patience.” Several dust-covered people shouted questions to him, which went ignored as the giant steel door slammed behind him. “The last thing I remember is driving up to the fence and taking out my … camera,” said one person near the back of the room, who then began patting his chest and searching his pockets. “Hey, wait a minute, where’s my camera!” One groggy man leans against the wall nearby, moaning that his “(fanny) feels weird.” As of press time, another person dressed all in black just re-entered the room with a stack of pizzas mentioning something about thermal pockets surrounding light from Venus. This is a developing story.