Report: Satire headlines are just icing on cake that you're too lazy to eat

Your mobile device, right now, today

It’s a fucking shame you’re not taking the time to read this story, you goddam deadbeat. I mean, this is good shit: original, thoughtful satire, brainstormed, written, edited and shared with you – yeah you, asshole – to make this whole human experience thing a little more bearable. Well, fuck you for not reading it. What’s stopping you, anyway? The “3 Minute Read” tag makes this seem too daunting? Having to manually click the link too physically challenging? The dancing cat video just below this post just looked THAT MUCH funnier? Whatever it was, you’re missing out, fuck-o. If you’re like most lazy dumbshits, you probably just scanned this headline and scrolled on without so much as a pang of guilt that you’re wasting the scant time you have on this Earth consuming the intellectual equivalent of Cheez Whiz. “OOOOooooh… which millionaire celebrity entertainer was revealed as the motherfucking peacock on ‘Masked Singer’ last night?” Like that’s going to enrich your brain, you fucking cretin. You know what will? This. And this. And fucking this. Christ, this whole fucking page is just dripping with comedy gold, and you’re missing it because you’re hitting the “wow” face on shitty pictures of sunrises taken with mobile phone cameras. Well, guess what – keep skipping stories like this – or worse, reading them and never clapping or sharing– and maybe we’ll just stop writing them. And then where will you be? Still scrolling through former coworkers’ pictures of what they had for dinner or your cousin’s ugly baby. Yes, that baby IS ugly. This is a developing story (but next time it might just be over).