Trump declares war on everyone, everything.

— Washington, D.C., 7:46 a.m., 09/19/2019

In an impromptu press conference this morning on the White House South Lawn, President Trump declared unilateral war on the rest of the world. “As president of the United States, it is my duty — and quite frankly, my honor — to declare war on anyone and anything opposed to me and this great country,” Trump said. “This morning I signed an executive order giving myself the power to declare war on any person, country, ethnicity or ideal I see as an enemy. And as of this moment, I’m doing just that.” When a reporter asked about U.S. allies, Trump scoffed. “I have no allies anymore. No one likes me — you watch the same programs I do. Even FOX News has turned on me.” Trump then proceeded to rattle off a bevy of headlines and “Saturday Night Live” sketches that portrayed him as a cartoonish oaf. “Everyone just keeps making fun of me and that’s wrong,” Trump bellowed. “It’s wrong. I’m President of The United States of America. That gives me powers no one else has. I demand respect, and the only way to get that now is to show you all — I mean, the rest of the world — what I’m really made of. And that is piss, vinegar and nuclear weapons. Don’t you ever forget it!” He then pushed over the podium, waved off reporters and stormed over to Marine One. “POTUS, out,” he roared over his shoulder as he dove onto the awaiting helicopter. This is a developing story.