Trump swears for 5 minutes on national TV, shuts down broadcast networks for obscenity violations

Washington, D.C., 9:19 a.m., 12/10/2019

After weeks of playing coy on whether or not he’d participate in the ongoing impeachment proceedings, President Donald Trump called a surprise press conference last night on the matter. “Fuck this motherfucking bullshit,” said the 45th President of the United States. “And that fucking cunt (House Speaker Nancy) Pelosi can eat the shit right out of my ass. Just dive right in there, bitch.” With no lag time, the networks were unable to censor his tirade, which went on for a full five minutes. His choice language, which was called “venomous filth that not even a one-legged pirate would use” by one network exec, included such bon mots as “lizard-faced tit-nugget” (regarding Pelosi), “fucktard faggot” (regarding House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff) and “death camp furnace fodder” (regarding any American who supports the impeachment). Then this morning, Trump pounced. “After reviewing the footage of the things that were said live on air, probably to young and innocent children around the world, it’s a clear violation of FCC rules on obscenity for a broadcaster,” Trump tweeted. “On that grounds, I am issuing an emergency shutdown of any and all broadcasters that we're (sic) unable to bleep out my words. Total incompitence (sic).” Fox News, for some reason, was not in attendance last night and missed out on Trump’s media meltdown, and is now the only outlet allowed to broadcast in the U.S. Aside from, of course, your trusted news source, The Hmmingbird, as we were not even invited. Fuck that guy. This is a developing story.