Dear John Deere: I Wish To File A Complaint Against Your Adult Toy Selection
Dear John Deere Tractor Company,
I am writing you with a complaint about the blatant false advertising associated with your X758 riding lawn mower. Though your ad in Modern Farmer magazine called the X758 “a toy, for adults,” my wife and I discovered that it does not work at all as an adult toy.
I bought this riding mower for our 30th anniversary. As two modern, progressive farmers with a true passion for agriculture, we are always looking for new ways to bring our day-to-day interests into the bedroom.
That was were I hit my first snag: there was no way to get the mower up to our second floor bedroom, as it is not designed to navigate stairs. Nor did it have the clearance to get past the door frame.
I was forced to setup up fairy lights and scented candles in the garage, a real hazard considering that that is also where I keep my used oily rags. But John Deere told me this mower was an adult toy, and after three generations of using your products you had built up some brand loyalty, so I was going to give it a fair shake.
When my wife arrived home from the farmer’s market, I beckoned her to the garage to discover me naked and sprawled out in the cab. She ran at me, but we quickly discovered that there was no easy way to arrange two bodies on the machine. She spent some time seated on the steering column, but kept sitting on the horn. We found a variety of phallic handles and levers, but couldn’t find any that felt pleasurable in any orifice, even after exhausting experimentation.
At this point, we still believed that we had made a mistake. That we had done something wrong. But no! We consulted the Operator’s Manual and found no helpful advice at all. It even warned not to operate the device indoors due to exhaust fumes, so my wife and I tried taking it out on the property. Not only did it get us no closer to orgasm, but it deeply upset our neighbours.
My last straw was to call the service hotline, but your call center staff were so poorly trained that they didn’t know John Deere made adult toys. So here I am, yelling at some teenage virgin over the phone about my broken sex toy and he’s laughing at me LIKE I’M THE IDIOT!
I’m sorry to say it, but you’ve lost two loyal customers in me and my wife today. Maybe you should just stick to what you’ve been doing for over 180 years and leave erotic devices to the professionals.
Signed,
Parson Fairfield
President, Erotic Farmers Coalition of Southern Indiana
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Maddox Campbell is an actor, writer, comedian, and producer based out of Toronto. He is the founder of Kicks and Giggles Entertainment and host of the Break A Wish podcast.
