The Honeypot
Published in

The Honeypot

Excerpts From the World’s First Married Erotica “Long Term Lovers”

“What I love most about you,” your husband whispers, his lips touching your ear, “Is that your mental health issues are very different from your mother’s.” Your heart quickens, because no one has ever said anything quite so accurate before…

It’s late at night, and while you sit in bed reading something incredibly intellectual, your partner walks in. “Sorry,” they say, “I had to stay in the other room to release all of my farts before joining you.” They slide into bed next to you, smelling like fresh cut lilies. “Can you imagine if I was the kind of partner that would dutch oven you?” You both laugh, because of course you are far too sexy to even think of that.

“I fixed that squeaky cabinet door,” your husband says. He walks in shirtless, wiping the sweat from his neck. You gasp… Partly because his abs could grate an aged pecorino, but mostly because you had only just mentioned it malfunctioning moments ago. The shock must have registered on your face. “What?” he asks, “Am I supposed to let something that’s annoying you go unaddressed for months?” he chuckles in handy confidence.

“You know what?” your wife asks over breakfast, “I think it would be great if you just took a bath this afternoon instead of joining the Zoom call with my parents.” Your mouth opens, ready to fire off some half-hearted excuses. “Shh,” she lovingly stops you before you start. She leans over, reaching out her soft hand to caress your cheek. The sensation ripples throughout your body.

“It’s ok,” she hushes, “I’d rather just deal with them alone anyway. I want you to take this time for yourself.” Your desire rises exponentially as you imagine an afternoon free from hearing passive-aggressive comments about ‘future grandchildren’.

Your partner gently knocks on the door while you’re working. They sneak in gingerly, not wanting to interrupt your flow. “Sorry,” they whisper, “It just occurred to me out of nowhere that you might want a grilled cheese?” They set down a plate, the buttery golden toast calling out to you.

“But… I’m trying to cut out cheese…” you mumble, almost to yourself. “Nonsense!” They say, standing behind you, their hands sliding over your shoulders. “In fact, you should probably be eating more cheese…” Relief from avoiding a dairy-free existence washes over you, as their hands begin to glide even further down…

It’s Sunday morning. You wake up and it’s… What? 10:30? That can’t be right. As you walk downstairs, cinching your robe, the smell of fresh coffee hits your nose. The kitchen, as clean and gleaming as ever, is also organized in the very specific way that you like it. Finally. The steaming plate of a full breakfast sits on the table, with a folded note from your lover. “I thought about it,” it reads, “And you are right about everything.” You melt in sensual ecstasy.

You and your significant other have sex. It’s nice and short and no one tries anything new.

--

--

--

Comedy and satire about all things sexy.

Recommended from Medium

When the Escort Needs an Escort

Ich tu dir weh or why I’m going on a dick diet

Google Assistant

6 Pieces of Bad Sex Advice To Ignore

A Tease Too Far

5 Steps to Solving a Sexless Relationship

Here’s All the Hot Details About Wax Play in the Bedroom

A person holds a candle with one hand and shields it with the other. Additional candles are sitting nearby. #waxplay #wax #candle #bdsm

How to Make a Woman Squirt

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Tara Millette

Tara Millette

Tara Millette is a humor and copywriter based in Philadelphia. She is the co-founder and co-editor of The Honeypot Satire. Follow her on twitter @LazyGinger

More from Medium

Give Yourself 1 Point For Each Thing You’ve Done (whether or not you wanted to do it in the first…

Two Truths and A Lie About the Winter Olympics

Nordic skier competes at the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics

Peace May Be What I Desire Most of All

Miranda is Going from Cringe to Cute