I Blame Peter Steele for Unattainable Standards for Today’s Men
By Amie Burke
When you were learning about the ‘birds & the bees’, you most likely got a talk that was very scientific. Not too in depth, but just enough to let you know about the penis and vagina, and that you could get pregnant or a horrible STD if you don’t watch it there, buck-o! As a very cautious teen, I never really sought out anything sexual because according to my health class, YOU COULD TOTALLY DIE!
Yeah, my wires were pretty crossed when it came to sex and sexuality starting out. The concept that sex can be fun and pleasurable, and that there are many forms of sexuality, did not get into my brain until much later. I didn’t understand why anyone would take the chance or what the big deal was.
That is, until I saw the August 1995 Playgirl spread of Peter Steele of Type O Negative.
If you didn’t just gasp in horror or laugh really hard, then let me tell you that tall ass mountain of a man was known to have THE biggest penis in the land! This (rumored to be) 7 to 8 inch long penis was my introduction to a close-to-real-life depiction of a penis. It wasn’t in my face, it was a photo spread, but I could not believe my eyes! After that, I figured all dudes were that big and it totally freaked me out. My internal thoughts raced: “They wanna put that WHERE?! HOW?! AM I GOING TO DIE?!”
For years, I was fearful that if I had sex with a man, I was going to burst into flames from my crotch and get pregnant. Simultaneously. My most sensitive area was surely going to be torn from front to back. Hole to hole, if you will. After a few boyfriends and hormones hitting their peak, however, I, of course, had to find out. I had to find out for myself if men had this large penis problem going on that no one was really talking about.
My first sexual relationship was your typical serious high school boyfriend stuff. Makin’ out. Professing our love with various rock and punk bands. More makin’ out. Until, one time we decided to take it “further” and “do stuff”. We were both bumbling virgins, and I was so afraid that I was about to get torn asunder. When I actually saw what I was in for, I said, out loud, “Oh good, it’s smaller.” Luckily, he must not have heard me utter what was a horrific thing to say the first time, or really anytime! After the deed was done, I exclaimed, relieved, “Oh, that wasn’t so bad!”
I’m still amazed, to this day, that I didn’t get dumped right then and there. That poor guy. He didn’t deserve the Peter Steele metric. Nor does anyone else. I am now a cultured penis viewer, and I can tell you with great confidence that everyone is different. Like shlongflakes.
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Amie Burke has been described as a ‘delightfully odd broad’. A freelancer creative who writes, performs, and creates various forms of art.
