Is He The Man Of Your Dreams, Or Is He Pingu The Claymation Sensation?
Let me guess: you’ve been seeing this new guy and he just seems a bit too familiar. Whenever you’re with him, you can’t help but be reminded of a character from the TV show you thought was a fever dream. His mannerisms are suspiciously avian, his walk is off, and you’ve never seen a man squeak this much!
If you find yourself relating, you’re not alone. Millions of women all over the country have fallen prey to this plasticine playboy, and you might be his next victim. Below are some telltale signs that your new boo is actually the notorious penguin star, Pingu.
1. He’s way too defensive about penguins.
It started with the penguin facts. On your first date he brought up how penguins give pebbles to their desired partner, and you thought it was cute that he was so passionate about a topic. But then he went on and on and on, and when you finally asked him to tone down the penguin facts, he exploded! He started scolding you because penguins are one of the most underappreciated animal species, and nobody gives them the respect they deserve, and if you’re so bothered by penguin facts then maybe you’re a part of the problem!
After that, everything could be related to penguins. He liked the shirt you bought him last week, but he would’ve much preferred if there were a penguin on it. He speaks of penguins as if they were his own family. I hate to break it to you, but there’s only two instances where someone speaks about penguins with that much passion: they’re either human and desperately trying to pass as a penguin, or it’s the other way around.
2. You’ve never seen him without a suit on.
At first it was nice that he’d dress up to see you, but after a while it got suspicious. Why does he need to wear a suit to bed? Why can’t he ever so much as take the jacket off? Why did he wear a suit to the beach? Why is it always the same suit, every single night? He hardly ever wears the clothes you buy him, and when he does, he wears them over the suit! It makes absolutely no sense. If your partner is guilty of this, then I recommend getting up close to focus on the details of the suit. Can you touch the buttons, or do they seem to be drawn on? If he catches you examining the suit and pushes you away, that’s yet another sign that his “suit” is really just feathers.
3. It’s kind of hard to understand what he says.
You’ve spoken to people with speech impediments, but this is on a completely different level. His voice is so high-pitched it’s impossible to keep up with the speed at which he talks. You spend most of the date mindlessly nodding and praying that your responses align with the topic of conversation (probably penguin-related discourse). If it sounds like he’s speaking a completely different language, one that’s composed of aggressive vocalisations and elaborate wailing, then there’s a very big chance that your beau is just a bird.
4. He’s VERY passionate about igloos.
Did you know you can rent an igloo overnight? There’s so many different options! Two-storied igloos, glass igloos, igloos with statues inside of them, and of course your classic, run-of-the-mill igloo. When your boyfriend first mentioned this, you chuckled and moved on. After the 157th time though, it started to get old. He brings it up every chance he gets, which is a surprising amount of times per day. You don’t bring up vacations anymore, in fear that he’ll bombard you with the “perfect igloo getaway.” You complained about how cold it was one time, and he responded with “If we were in an igloo right now, you’d probably be warmer!” You checked his search history one time, just to see that it consisted of “Closest igloos near me,” “Igloo permanent living options?” “Should I leave girlfriend if she’s not interested in igloos?” and “Is no interest in igloos a red flag?”
5. He gave you a pebble that one time.
Yeah, it’s kinda sweet, but let’s face it. It’s a weird and suspiciously penguin-esque thing to do.
6. You can’t hold his hand long enough, or you’ll leave a dent.
Lots of people have clammy hands on the first date, but you knew there was something wrong when you let go and caught him morphing his hand back into shape from under the table. You don’t even consider high-fiving him anymore, since the last time you did so his hand fully bent 90 degrees backwards. If letting go of his hand reminds you of peeling gum off the back of your shoe, I’m afraid to tell you there’s a good chance your significant other is made of clay.
Ana McLaughlin is a writer based in Southern California. She is a silly person that writes silly things for silly people.
