The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Penis of Mr. “I Want to Get Laid Tonight”
A Guide for Millennials
Looking for Mr. Right? Hahahahahaha. Good luck with that. Looking for Mr. “I Want to Get Laid Tonight?” That we can work with: just follow these Rules.
1. Have a vagina.
2. Don’t talk to a man first. Or do.
3. Don’t talk too much. But don’t worry — he won’t let you because he’s fascinating.
4. Pay for the whole thing. He “forgot” his debit card at home.
5. Only respond to “U up?” texts.
6. Always end phone calls first. JK. There won’t be any phone calls, Boomer.
7. Accept dates for the night he proposes, because you’re, like, third on his list.
8. Fill up your time before the “date” with a panic attack and Brazilian wax.
9. Always end the “date” after he tells you to call an Uber and commends you on a job well done.
10. Stop “dating” him if he stops returning your texts.
11. Don’t see him more than once or twice a week, unless he’s really horny.
