The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Penis of Mr. “I Want to Get Laid Tonight”

A Guide for Millennials

Laura Berlinsky-Schine
The Honeypot
Published in
2 min readJun 28, 2022

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By Laura Berlinsky-Schine

Rule #8: Fill up your time before the “date” with a panic attack and Brazilian wax.

Looking for Mr. Right? Hahahahahaha. Good luck with that. Looking for Mr. “I Want to Get Laid Tonight?” That we can work with: just follow these Rules.

1. Have a vagina.

2. Don’t talk to a man first. Or do.

3. Don’t talk too much. But don’t worry — he won’t let you because he’s fascinating.

4. Pay for the whole thing. He “forgot” his debit card at home.

5. Only respond to “U up?” texts.

6. Always end phone calls first. JK. There won’t be any phone calls, Boomer.

7. Accept dates for the night he proposes, because you’re, like, third on his list.

8. Fill up your time before the “date” with a panic attack and Brazilian wax.

9. Always end the “date” after he tells you to call an Uber and commends you on a job well done.

10. Stop “dating” him if he stops returning your texts.

11. Don’t see him more than once or twice a week, unless he’s really horny.

12. Don’t tell him what to do. This is his journey.

13. Let him take the lead, except when it comes to your needs. Those don’t really matter.

14. Don’t expect a man to change or try to change him. That mustache is here to stay.

15. Don’t open up at all. He doesn’t need to know about your job or friends or any of that touchy-feely girl stuff.

16. Don’t be honest, unless your truth is that you’re looking for no strings attached.

17. Don’t “date” a married man, unless he’s “going through a divorce and not looking for anything serious right now, is that cool?”

18. Make sure the kids are sleeping over at a friend’s house because dude is not interested in that baggage.

19. Lie to your therapist.

20. Break these rules as you see fit.

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Laura Berlinsky-Schine
The Honeypot

Writer of words. Mocker of people and things. Dog mom to Hercules. The Rumpus, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, Slackjaw, Belladonna, etc.