Convicted Man Sentenced
to Student Loans

— Spokane, Washington

Its not uncommon to hear of judges doling out creative sentences to those convicted of wrongdoing over the last decade or so, but a recent ruling in Washington state may just take the cake, and the unsubsidized loans of the chef that made it. Jordan Bradford, who was found guilty of the misdemeanor crime of using falsified academic credentials, has been sentenced to $94,696 in student loans, roughly the cost of four years at Washington State University.

When questioned, Judge Anderson, the presiding judge in the case, stood firm in his ruling. “If he got a job based on that degree, then he should have the debt that comes with it! Besides, its not like he’s ever going to pay it off.” It should be noted that Judge Anderson later admitted that he only gave up private practice and became a judge so that he could take advantage of the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program.

Bradford agrees that he’ll never be able to repay the loans, but that doesn't mean they aren't still a burden. “Its ruining my life. I get automated messaged and emails multiple times every day. I have to wait on hold for hours to make sure the documents I faxed went through. I don’t even want to think about what it’s doing to my credit score. I wish I had chosen jail instead.”

“Its a bizarre punishment, and there isn't a precedent for it” stated legal scholar Margret Shills, whose parents paid for her college. “But I do believe it conforms to both the letter, and the spirit of the law.”

Public Defender Amy Cross, who defended Bradford, was unavailable for interview as she was busy moonlighting as a server to pay for her student loans. She was only able to comment that it is clearly “cruel and unusual punishment to force any human use the website. The design is terrible.”

Benny Elbows (@bennyelbows) is a writer and comedian from Memphis, TN. This is a parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.

Photo by Chris Potter (Flickr: 3D Judges Gavel) [CC BY 2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

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