Pittsburgh, PA –

Ed Madison is probably the last person you would expect to provide the winning advantage in a college basketball game. The overweight 38 year old is too old to be on the court, and lacks the experience necessary to coach the game. Ed also lacks the financial stability to function as a booster for his favorite team, Robert Morris University. His only connection to basketball is his love of the game and that time he almost made the junior varsity team in high school.

So what has people calling Madison a visionary and the difference maker in Robert Morris’ recent win over North Florida in the First Four round of the NCAA tournament?

“It was like a gift from God!” said an unnamed assistant coach for the Colonials. “It was half time and we were down by 6 when we got the phone call in the locker room. That phone call was a game-changer!”

The phone call was from George Brown, who had overheard Madison drunkenly yelling at the television at Hoopz and Shotz, a Pittsburgh sports bar that Madison frequents. Brown recognized that in his inebriated state, Madison had formulated a sure-fire strategy to give Robert Morris the edge. “The advice was too good to ignore, I had to let the coaching staff in on the strategy.”

The advice was succinct yet powerful, according to the assistant coach.

“He said we needed to shoot better and play defense. That’s the type of outside-the-box thinking they don’t teach you at basketball school, a real stroke of genius,” the source said.

“The beauty is in the simplicity” noted basketball analyst Chad Armstrong. “Before, coaches would have to spend hours scouting their opponents to understand their strengths and weakness, and then try to complement those with their own team’s abilities. And that’s only after studying the game for years as a player or graduate assistant. But with this new strategy, anybody can be a basketball coach.”

Madison is already reaping the benefits of his discovery, as he currently has offers from several Division I basketball programs. But some programs are taking things one step further. For example, Bob Gunther, the athletic director of South North Dakota Tech, has completely eliminated the position of head basketball coach and, instead, replaced it with several motivational posters with picture of a kitten in a basket with the words “Shoot better, play defense” emblazoned on the bottom half of the poster.

Madison is preparing for Robert Morris’ game tomorrow night against Duke. “Make more baskets than the Blue Devils. That’s it,” Madison reportedly said to a captivated crowd of guys drinking during the middle of the work day.

Benny Elbows is a stand-up comedian and writer from Memphis, TN.

Photo by J.smith (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons