Entire City Of New York Hates Same Guy
— New York
In what may be the most improbable feat of communication in human history, New York City has decided, unanimously, that they hate Phil Dodge of Queens. The most amazing part of this story: they managed to reach this conclusion in one night.
Greg Babin was at Bobby O’Flanagan’s Irish Pub the night the discussion started. “It was weird,” noted Babin. “One guy at the bar was trying to talk over the loud music when it suddenly stopped. Everyone heard him yell out ‘I can’t stand that guy!’ in the awkward silence. Then after a couple of seconds someone else yelled out ‘Are you talking about Phil Dodge? Because I hate that guy too.’ The rest was history.”
According to other eyewitness accounts it did not take long for everyone at O’Flanagan’s to reach the same conclusion, with grievances ranging from benign, to brutal, to bizarre. “He said he’d call me and he didn’t” said Mary Gibson.
Chad Westwick insisted that Phil “got drunk at my apartment and pissed on my TV.”
“He stole my dog” added Sean Robertsen. “And he doesn't even like dogs! Who doesn't like dogs?”
As unlikely as it is for an entire bar to hate the same person, the strange part was the speed at which the Phil hatred went viral and covered the entire city. Estimates conducted by the New York Bureau of Economic Analysis (NYBEA) show that in less than 2 hours, two-thirds of New York had weighed in on the issue, none on the side of Dodge. By morning, 95% of all opinions were accounted for. “It wasn’t as difficult to track as you would imagine” said Mike Wonkington. “Most of the data was retrieved from social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter and was searchable through the #PhilDodgeIsADick filter. People even left Yelp Reviews for him. The hardest part was remembering my MySpace login to count those impressions.”
“One question remains” said some sociologist no one cares about. “How has it taken so long for everyone to realize their common foe?”
Recent surveys conducted by Columbia University seem to provide some explanation, as shown below.
“Poor guy” empathized Dodge when asked for comment. “I’m glad I’m not this other Phil Dodge that everyone hates. How can someone be so oblivious?”
Benny Elbows (@bennyelbows) is a writer and comedian from Memphis, TN. This is a parody, which should, frankly, be obvious.