Get It Girl! Single Gal-ness in the City: Get an ‘F’ for effort

You could still get laid here.

Women try so hard! We’ve always tried so hard. We took care of everything in the household and had babies until it killed us, which was usually before age 40. Now we get to have careers too! And live long enough for those children to forget about us before we die! And have a thriving social life that we display on social media! And the whole time look as hot as possible on the off chance we meet that person who will make those babies with us! Or you know, because we feel constantly obligated to meet society’s standards of beauty, or we think we’ll lose out compared to other women in the psychological competition the patriarchy has us pitted against each other that we don’t even realize is going on!

What if I told you, you could put no effort into these things and still get laid? Trust me. I speak from a lot of experience of not putting effort into a lot of experience. I’ve done nothing to make myself what one would call “a catch.” My day job is unimpressive and doesn’t pay very well. I have more pictures of my cats than my friends. I don’t work out, use makeup, or wear hot clothes. But I still go out there and get it.

So how can I put no effort into getting sex and still get it? I’m going to give all the men out there a lot of credit they don’t normally receive. That’s right, a feminist that used the word patriarchy earlier is about to write a complimentary generalization about men on the internet!

Men appreciate all different types of female beauty. One ideal of beauty is presented over and over in mainstream media, advertising, etc., and it’s an ideal that’s not only mostly unattainable, but unnecessary. The standard for what most men find attractive is way lower than what women have built up in their heads. Way lower. Like there are still probably men who have sex with Tara Reid kind of low. All that money, time, and effort you’re putting into your appearance to attract a man is a waste. You can do those things for yourself if you want to…but don’t you have better things to do with your time? Like using all your discarded wine boxes to build your own special place you call Fort Franzia? Just me?

And it’s not just your appearance. Below are some tips on areas where you are wasting your time and effort in trying to attract a mate.

MAKEUP

For the most part, makeup is chemicals you put on your face. I know chemicals aren’t inherently bad, but let’s say a random person came up to you and said, “Hey, want to put these chemicals on your face,” you would have some follow up questions. Maybe I don’t really understand because I have great skin. How? Well, first, the only sun exposure I had as a child was through outdoor activities at science camp. Second, I DON’T WEAR MAKEUP EVERY FUCKING DAY! I use makeup a few times a year, usually for a particular reason, like that play I did in college where the whole cast wore clown makeup (I know, how am I not super famous already? Because it was a really good play.)

Also, your mom lied to you; you don’t need it.

A man will almost never notice, much less comment on your makeup. If a man brings up a woman’s makeup it’s usually a negative. Terms like drag queen, prostitute, and John Boehner will get thrown around.

CLOTHES

Wear whatever the hell you want. I’m going to repeat this. Wear…whatever… the hell…you want. How long does it take you to decide what to wear to go out and pick up guys or go on a date? An hour? I’m guessing, because I just wear whatever the hell I want. Most of the time I dress like the 15 year old male drummer of a high school ska band. What you wear is not the make or break element in whether a guy will be attracted to you. If a guy likes you and is nice, he will tell you you look good no matter what you are wearing. Because he doesn’t care. I’m going to repeat that too. He…doesn’t…care.

DON’T CLEAN YOUR HOME

I’m not advocating living in filth or hoarding, but cut yourself some slack. Don’t be shy about bringing a guy home because you have dirty dishes in your sink. And don’t apologize for it. “I’m sorry the place is such a mess…” He…doesn’t…care. If there were a Yelp like review section of Tinder, I promise none of those reviews would mention the cleanliness of a woman’s apartment. I live in a studio apartment with two cats. If any part of my apartment is dirty, by extension my kitchen, living room, and bedroom are all wrecked. And I’m not even going to lie-there’s cat hair everywhere. It is still possible to have sex there. I live the possibility.

LOWER YOUR STANDARDS

You are a beautiful special flower that deserves the best life has to offer. Yes, you’re a princess that only the most worthy suitor should even look upon. What’s that? You’re not a real princess? You’re a receptionist that’s really into knitting and all the various NCIS spin-offs? Let me offer you a more realistic picture of life then. This is a bell curve.

Standard deviation diagram, based an original graph by Jeremy Kemp, in 2005–02–09 [http://pbeirne.com/Programming/gaussian.ps]. This figure was started inR using: <pre> x <- seq(-4,4,.1) plot(x,dnorm(x),type https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.5/legalcode

If you want to get technical, it’s a graph of a Gaussian function that shows the normal distribution of possible observable outcomes between two real limits. I’ll give you a minute…

Let’s apply this to the human population. That 0.1% on the far left of the graph? Pure human garbage. The 0.1% on the right is the opposite. That’s Oprah Winfrey, Robert Downey Jr. territory. Let’s call those two chunks in the middle the ‘meh’ portion of the population. On each side of that are people who are slightly above or below being a ‘meh’ person. Guess where you probably fall? (Hint: it’s one of the parts that makes up 95.6% of the graph.) So, compared to all other people, that semi-employed, poorly dressed guy at the bar talking about Frank Zappa is probably, at most, just one standard deviation away from you.

I know, you don’t want to end up with a loser. If a man doesn’t fit into a certain box, there will always be people who will tell you, you can do better. Better than what? Someone who’s loyal and kind and doesn’t ask you to change for them either? Who loves you as you come? To be a good person and to love someone that way is hard. I’ll put my effort into that.

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