Get It Girl! Single Gal-ness in the City: How to Handle Your Family
Single gals aren't always alone and sad. Sometimes they are with their families and sad. Family gatherings should be a time of love and celebration, but there’s always a little sprinkling of judgment and pity. You know, to spice things up. Your family wants you to be happy, and they believe that a constant assault of presumptuous, annoying questions will help.
So how should you handle this? Come off as too defensive, and they’ll either come at you harder for their own amusement, or label you a poor sport and use you as a cautionary tale for nieces and younger cousins. Avoid your family altogether, and you’ll be enjoying your third straight meal of macaroni and cheese alone on Christmas Eve. That’s a scenario I just made up in my head, not a real thing that happened to me. I’m so creative!
I've gone ahead and taken the time to provide some ready answers to common questions you’ll hear from your family. These questions could be asked by anyone. I’ll have a column devoted specifically to mothers in the future as soon as I feel like writing it won’t make my eyes bleed.
Q: How are you doing (asked in a very pitying, head tilted kind of way)?
A: Better now that I’m finally out of that sex cult, Weight Watchers. They make you watch what they do to Jenny Craig.
Q: Are you seeing anyone?
A: No. Oh God, I’m blind!
Q: What happened to (insert ex’s name)?
A: Tale as old as time. I couldn't compete with his love of miniature goat breeding.
Q: Would you let me set you up with somebody?
A: Somebody? A person?! No further description necessary. Wait, they at least have skin, right? Because I've been saving myself for someone with skin.
Q: Didn't (insert name of old high school friend you haven’t spoken to in at least five years) just get married?
A: Yeah, but I read the date on the invitation wrong, and ended up going to a Glee-themed Bar Mitzvah. Still got laid though.
Q: Have you tried meeting someone at church?
A: …No.
Q: Why don’t you try harder to look pretty?
A: I am trying. Just last week I got anal botox.
Q: Are you sure you’re not a lesbian?
A: As long as I keep taking these pills, yes.
Q: Do you think you’ll ever have children?
A: Oh, I could have a kid if I wanted one. I know a guy who gets them used cheap.
Q: Who will take care of you when you’re older?
A: I guess the sweet embrace of death. Or robots. There will probably be robots by then. Do you think it will be legal to marry them?
