Get It Girl! Single Gal-ness in the City: Thank God for The Weeknd
Things went really well on your date tonight. He remembered your name, dressed appropriately, and was able to keep a conversation going (it’s sad and surprising how often those three things cannot be accomplished by an individual human being.) The attraction is still there, and you avoided fried food so you don’t feel bloated and unsexy (needing to poop is pretty much the only physical urge that can override sex.) Now you’re back at his place or yours, and you’re getting to the physical part of the evening. You both put all that work on the front end, and you’re so close to making that important physical connection. It could be a beautiful, dirty evening, of dirty, beautiful sex acts that leave you exhausted and empowered. Or it could get awkward real quick. It is very important that you have the right atmosphere. Who’s making out a in a brightly lit, silent apartment? No one. No one does that. If that’s happening, there’s probably a collection of creepy dolls watching the whole thing.
Sometimes you or a date will use the old, “watch a movie at my place” to get the other person into the apartment. Don’t get me wrong-this will probably work. Personally, I have never watched more than 20% of a film in this scenario. It’s a great way to get the lights off and your date to sit close to you. However, it’s always a case of sex fighting against the film. Even if the movie you’re watching is a high quality, erotic romance, there is no film that is suitable sex background front to back. And it’s probably not a high quality, erotic romance. It’s probably John Wick or a bootleg of Trainwreck. And if it’s porn…you’re at a higher level of sexual comfort and ability than myself, and you don’t need this column. Will you write one I can read?
Anyway, in any “watch a movie at my place” situation, at some point you’ll either turn it off, go to another room, or something onscreen will be incredibly distracting, and you’ll both pretend not to notice. Even if you have some kind of rhythm going, it’s going to get broken at some point any time you’re watching a movie and trying to have sex at the same time.
That’s why “come back to my place and listen to some music” is, and always has been, the superior go to move. Watching a movie precludes conversation. Or even worse, you could watch a movie, and he could talk through it! Why do those people even exist? Listening to music still allows for conversation. Or dancing! Dancing can be sexy-sexy or silly-sexy, and those are both great. (A quick time out for my huge hipster fan base for this column-THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOU TO SHOW OFF! I’m sure you do have some real sweet European only Luna B sides album or some other such nonsense, but if you start into the “I know the most obscure music game” you can just call it a night and masturbate alone (literally, not in the sense of “the most obscure music” game.) Even other hipsters find this annoying.)
The music you choose to play is important, and it’s something that you don’t need to over complicate. Stick with what always works. Sure, there’s some soft, dream pop stuff that’s good, but you will never go wrong with soul and R&B. And you could play something classic like Marvin Gaye or old Toni Braxton, but who hasn’t gotten it on to Marvin Gaye? There’s a lot of great R&B music out now, but there’s one person making 100% on point fuck music, and that’s The Weeknd. Bad news, if you think that’s misspelled, you’re old and not cool.
I love The Weeknd. I recently described him to a friend as “modern R&B”, but I think “on point fuck music” is much more accurate. Most of his songs have a nice groove most of the way, if not the whole way through the song. His falsetto is beautiful, and he uses it so perfectly that it makes someone like Adam Levine sound like a cockatiel being murdered with a helium tank. For example, this song from The Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack (this is the only time I will endorse anything related to Fifty Shades of Grey in any form.)
Now when he’s not doing singles related to mainstream films, he’s even better…because his lyrics are FILTHY. Imagine if Prince had access to urban dictionary in 1982. I have a very soft spot in my heart for articulate obscenity, and this is what really takes him over the top for me. This song is one of my favorites. Nothing about these lyrics are safe for work.
You may have even gotten laid just listening to that. So when you go out this weekend, remember The Weeknd. And his hot, hot, on point fuck music.
