Get It Girl! Single Gal-ness in the City: The Perfect Date
Single women are faced with a constant dilemma. If you’re not in a relationship, you confront either crushing loneliness or the uncertainty of fleeting hook ups. If you choose the former there’s sadness and the societal perception that you’re not fun. If you choose the latter, there’s slightly less sadness and way more societal judgment, and for the love of god, use a condom every time.
However the alternative to these options is to date.
Most single women have a love/hate relationship with dating. It sounds so fun! You’ll dress up and go out to a show with a handsome man. Or you’ll put on something fun and outdoorsy and go hiking with a handsome man. So many fun activities with so many handsome men! That sounds like the best.
This is the rarely filled promise of dating. A more accurate picture of dating is a woman who’s about to give up hope. She’s already been through some bad relationships, and is starting to believe that romantic love is a completely fictitious concept humans created because they were bored before television was invented. She’s been through even more bad dates than relationships, ranging from boring, to upsetting, to disturbingly surreal. With the magic of online dating, she’s probably received a lot of attention from men wanting to know if she’s DTF, or if she’s DTF with him and some inanimate object that has a face, that shouldn’t have a face, like a toaster with a mouth drawn on it.
Every once in a while, a flying fish will burst forth from this sea of disappointment in the form of a normal man who’s not married. Grab that fish! If you’re going to hold onto it long enough to beat it to death on the deck of your boat (the boat is your vagina), you’ll need the perfect date to keep his interest.
Bars, restaurants, clubs, etc., these are the places most dates happen, but that’s so boring. Do you really think you’re going to keep a flying fish man around through such conventional activities? You won’t-I’m not here to lie to you! Below you’ll find suggestions for 3 creative dates that any man would be lucky to go on.
BANK HEIST
Fact: everyone wishes they could rob a bank. It’s thrilling, everyone hates banks so it feels like a victimless crime, and it is statistically the most romantic of illegal activities. Some guys complain about the social pressure to pay for dates, so why not take him on an outing that will make money? You’ll spend all day trying to decide which mask to wear, and just settle on Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon like always, because, fact the second: dudes love Point Break. Your attention to detail and ability to plan will really show him you’ll make a great mom one day. If you can crack a safe, his heart won’t be far behind.
MAKE A MOVIE (NOT PORN)
Going to the movies is the worst first date. You can’t talk to each other, it’s too expensive, and the food sucks. But making a movie on a first date requires constant interaction between you and your beaux. Besides, all anyone needs to make a movie now is a cell phone. Ben Affleck makes movies; how hard can it be? Now the better the film, the more impressed your date will be, so don’t let him phone it in. Don’t be afraid to go full Lars Von Trier and really dig in to get his best performance. If you’re not willing to push him to his psychological limit for art, why the hell would he want to get frozen yogurt with you later?
GRAVY TASTING
Wine tasting has been around for years, and now all the alcohols have their own pretentious taste gatherings at bars for douchebags or the homes of douchebags. But, what if instead, you presented your potential partner with a tantalizing array of gravies? Brown, white, lumpy, non-lumpy, thick, not as thick, the varieties are endless, and what man isn’t going to be in the mood after a dozen servings of hot, meaty gravy to excite him? If you’re feeling coquettish, you can blindfold him and spoon him gravy until he asks you to stop. Then don’t.
