Get It Girl! Single Gal-ness in the City: This Will Not End Well

Get that ice cream free abomination away from me., author

I’ve been feeling really horny and vulnerable, so I haven’t been going out a lot. Let me back up-It took me several weeks to realize that was the combination of emotions I was experiencing. For a while, my mind would just wander, and I’d start thinking about sex with a guy (the guy is inconsequential and from a long list of interchangeable fantasy options (not, like fantastical, I’m not rubbing it out to dragons (I’m over-explaining now))), and then I’d be overwhelmed with feelings of hostility.

That’s weird for me. Sure, we all indulge in a little hate-fuck fantasy scenario now and then (and yes we all do-If you haven’t before, you will now that I’ve implanted the suggestion), but those hostile feelings are unsurprising and exciting, like ice cream cake on my birthday. I expect ice cream cake every birthday, but I’m still excited about it. These hostile feelings were unexpected and dispiriting, like getting regular cake on my birthday. Like, how hard is it to go to Baskin-Robbins? Or any other number of places. I can’t list them now-this isn’t a column about how easy ice cream cake is to acquire.

When I don’t know what’s going on in my head, I don’t want to interact with others. I especially want to be in top form when I’m looking for dudes to hook up with, because, well, rape and such. If I’m not in my right mind, how can I be sure I’m meeting Mr. Good Time Doesn’t Talk Too Much rather than Baron Von No Consent Creep Finger? Before I get a lot of concerned comments-I know you can never be 100% sure, so everyone be safe and don’t be stupid about strangers. Now can I be funny again? Mental instability is also either not attractive to a man or way too attractive. There seems to be a stereotype out there that crazy women are better in bed. Question for my male readers (both of you): Have you ever had sex with a woman and thought, “That was pretty good, but it would have been better if I’d been afraid and there was more crying?”

So it was obvious to me that not wanting sex wasn’t my problem (not wanting sex would seriously decrease my overall number of problems.) In fact, I really wanted to have sex with someone. I also wanted that person to be nice to me and think I’m pretty. That’s how I always want partners to treat and think of me, but now I’d be upset if they didn’t. If a guy was rude to me, I wouldn’t sleep with him, but if afterwards, he was like, “k, thanks, bye,” it wouldn’t have bothered me. All I wanted was to have enough sex to not feel like a loser for getting dumped.

That’s still what I want with the logical part of my brain. However, the emotional part of me needs some tenderness and someone to want me, AND WE’RE NOT READY FOR THAT YET FEELINGS-BRAIN! So that’s why I’ve been feeling vulnerable. And horny + vulnerable = bad decisions. If you’re looking for love, you aim high: a guy that’s tall, has good teeth, dressed well, employed, at least appears smart, nice, probably not sociopathic. If you’re looking for someone to sleep with you to feel better about yourself, you aim low: a guy that’s alone.

But now I know there’s a bad decision in my future, and I’m going to have to confront it. I’m going to have to take a dick mulligan (not a reference to Empty Nest star Richard Mulligan.) The next guy I sleep with probably won’t be that great. It may be someone that I look back on with great shame and embarrassment. But then I’ll say, “No, Mary. That wasn’t the first dick you regretted, and it probably won’t be your last, but you knew that was going to be a dick mulligan going in. Know that taking that loss, allowed you to move on, “(to your next stroke! ball! whatever sex pun you want. Your next hole! Wait, no, I don’t like that one. I take it back.)

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