Hey, This Ain’t My First Rodeo
I’ve been to quite a few in my day. And not just here either! Mexico. Spain. Australia. You name it. I’ve probably attended a rodeo there.
I’m really into the bucking and the cowboys and the dirt. I love the competition. Man versus beast. It’s just all out there. Primal battles, right?
(Pause)
Well, here’s the thing…
I’m lying. Blatantly. The fact is…this is my first rodeo. Ever. Anywhere. I’ve never even been to Australia. I was trying to make it seem like we we’re on the same level. I’m sorry.
One more thing. I’m on a first date right now. You may have noticed her. She’s half-Japanese, half-South African. She went to the restroom just before you sat down. That’s where she is now. When she comes back, you’ll see why I asked her out in the first place. Trust me.
I need to ask you a favor though. She’s under the impression that this ain’t my first rodeo. And when someone gives the impression that this ain’t their first rodeo and they take a date to a rodeo, well, she probably expects you to impart some rodeo knowledge on her. But I have no idea what’s going on here.
I can’t tell a bull from a steer or a colt from a bronco. I’m not sure if the guy is supposed to stay on the animal or if the goal is to fall off…?
But I don’t want to look like a liar. So what I need you to do is to feed me some basic rodeo background info right now before she gets back and then, as the night goes on, whisper more, nuanced info into my ear. Here, take my phone number. You can text me stuff every so often, too, and I’ll make it look like I’m checking stocks or something. Ever read Cyrano De Bergerac? I’ve never but I think what I’m proposing is something along those lines.
(Attention draws to the ring)
Ok, so like right now, this guy — what’s his deal?! Does he seriously think he’s gonna stay on that thing? He’s getting tossed around and…oh no, oh shit, is he ok? Yeeeeessshhhh. I think he’s dea…no, ok he got up. He looks not good though. Yeesh.
Yeesh.
What’s the deal with the clowns? And while we’re on it, what’s the deal with any clown? Forget that, not enough time for sidetracks.
So, this may sound like a dumb question, but do they kill, butcher and cook the animals afterwards? Is this the end of the line for them? I feel like that’s a thing. I once ate a Rodeo Burger. Is that related?
Do they keep score here? Is the whole thing “bulls versus the guys”? Like right now is it bulls 18, guys 0? That’s roughly what I’ve been counting. If so, I think it’s over.
(Pause)
She’s been gone for a while, huh.
(Pause)
That’s unsettling. To take that long in the restroom on a first date.
(Pause)
Where are the guys with the outfits and the red flags waving around? Is that rodeo or something else?
(Pause)
This is waaaayyyyy too long to be in the bathroom. I’m out. Thanks for helping out, man.
