Man Concerned About Who Gets Free Candy
– — — Chicago, IL
Chicago resident James Whale expressed concern today as to what individuals would get free candy from him next Friday night on Halloween, while tacitly attempting to not sound racist.
“I love seeing the neighborhood kids in their costumes getting candy,” Whale said. “The little ghosts and vampires are hilarious. But, you know, I’m not real happy when….other people show up.”
When pressed for details Whale had a difficult time expressing them. “Well, you know. It’s just that people come in from other neighborhoods and take the candy I was giving away,” Whale said while meticulously weighing bags of fun sized candies at Costco. “It’s just, I don’t know, not right.”
When asked what differentiates the trick-or-treaters that trouble him, Whale said “They come from…other neighborhoods. Some of them are too old to be trick-or-treating. Some of them don’t have costumes. You know what I mean.”
“Look, I don’t mind when my neighbor’s kids bring a bunch of friends over, but that’s different. They, I don’t know, belong here,” Whale said while considering a sack of individual candy corn bags. “You know what I mean.”
“It’s not that I mind the expense. I love buying candy for kids. I just, oh, think it should only be for kids in my neighborhood. Or at least my socioeconomic status. You know what I mean.”
During the course of the thirty minute conversation, Whale steadfastly avoided the mention of trick-or-treaters’ race.
“Oh well, I guess I’ll just get some spare candy for…them. You know what I mean, the out of neighborhood trick-or-treaters,” Whale said while putting a couple of large bags of those disgusting candies wrapped in black and orange paper into his basket.
Originally published at www.thehowlingmonkey.com on October 24, 2014.