Nation’s Rubes Demand More Carnival Games

- — — Davenport, IA

Rubes from across the country met this week at the Davenport Convention Center to develop a strategy that would convince regional fairs and carnivals to provide more games of “skill” so they could win more prizes.

A Guess Your Weight stand on every corner! By Frank H. Nowell (Amusement on the Pay Streak Uploaded by jmabel) [see page for license], via Wikimedia Commons

“Carnival games are like anything else,” Missy Chance, President of the U.S. Rube Federation, the group seeking more games. “It’s a matter of fairness. We can’t win more often unless we play more often!”

“I’ve come so close to winning a giant teddy bear for a bunch of girls who are friends. If I can win that bear, I can get out of that friend zone. I know it. I just know it,” said Rube Federation member Alan Mung.

“A Guess Your Weight stand on every corner! A bottle tilt game in every school!” Rube Federation members chanted as they concluded their meeting.

“The hotel here charged us $380 a night , and gave us catered lunches [consisting of baloney sandwiches] at $50 a piece. We feel very welcome and will be happy to return next year,” Chance said, as she allowed a young boy to make change for her while she wasn’t paying much attention.

When reached for comment on the Federation’s requests, carnival game entrepreneur B.C. Zitherington said “Well, see, these people are smart. And they drive a hard bargain. Much as I know it would cost me a lot of dough, I guess I’ll give in and put more games out there. They’re winners already!”

Zitherington then groomed his handlebar mustache and chuckled wryly.

Originally published at on January 10, 2014. This is a parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.

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