As an occasional stand-up comic, and veteran of way too many open mics as both a participant and audience member, I felt it would be beneficial for me to provide some tips for open mic comics. These tips are invaluable, and yet I give them to you for free, because, like most comics, I am terrible with the financial side of the comedy business.

1. Nothing you do in the bathroom is funny.

2. We know when you are hacking Redd Foxx, and we know he did the material better.

3. Random cussing in and of itself is not an act.

4. If you never get laughs, it can’t always be the audience’s fault.

5. Doing a call back to that joke you did that no one liked the first time is a terrible idea.

6. Stand-up comedy should include material, not just anecdotes about arguably amusing things that happened to you over the course of the day.

7. Yes, I know Bill Hicks didn’t “follow the rules”. You aren’t Bill Hicks.

8. Five minutes is really five minutes. It is not eight.

9. Most comics really aren’t better on stage impaired. In any case, you need to be good before you can try to do your act drunk. You probably aren’t that good yet.

10. If you insist on doing impersonations, you still have to do material. It’s not enough to just trot out your DeNiro…your DeNiro has to say something funny. This does not include “Are you talking to me?”

11. The club owner is not the enemy. Treat him or her like that, and you will not get stage time.

12. That comic who is doing well and getting gigs? Not a good idea to trash talk them. Working comics are your best connections for possible work at this stage in your career.

13. Racist/Sexist/Homophobic comedy does not work if you actually are a racist, sexist, or homophobe.

14. Using other comic’s tag lines or quoting other material as your punchline makes you a bad comic. If I want to hear someone quote The Simpsons or Family Guy, I’ll call my brother.

15. Believe in yourself before you get on stage. Once you get off stage, drop the ego and listen to what your fellow comics have to say. Often times, they actually will try to help you.

16. Don’t give up.

17. There are exceptions to all of the above rules.

Originally published at www.thehowlingmonkey.com on July 22, 2011.

Photo by Pete (Comedy_Nose) via Flickr. Photo subject to a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic [CC BY 2.0] License.