Who’s Listening?

Three signals for better conversations

• Who’s listening?
• Where are the happy places?
• Are we blocking viewpoints or collaborating?

Emotions are filters. Emotions can improve conversations or shut communication down.

Emotions can be a good thing. Emotions enable us to sort through a mind boggling amount of sensory information very, very quickly.

Who’s Listening?

Hormones filter information. Hormones amplify some information and block other information.

Hormone flow also generates emotions, which means you can see how others are filtering information.

There is research supporting this viewpoint, but you don’t need a scientist or researcher to prove it to you. You can watch it in action all day, every day.

In November 2011, Elsevier published a paper by Hugo Lovheim of Sweden’s Umea University.

In the paper, Lovheim maps eight basic emotions (anger, excitement, distress, surprise, contempt, shame, fear and joy) onto a three dimensional cube. The three dimensions of the cube represent three different hormones (seratonin, dopamine and noradrenaline).

Seratonin is generally associated with dominance.

Dopamine is generally associated with positive feedback.

Noradrenaline energizes and amplifies.

Lovheim’s Cube isn’t perfect. Oxytocin (the “cuddle” hormone), for example, isn’t included.

The cube isn’t perfect but the concept of recognizing how well people are listening by recognizing emotions is a game changer.

If someone is no longer listening to you, chances are slim that any sort of rational argument you’re trying to make will convince them to change their mind.

The cube is simple and can be simplified even more by looking at a modified version of the base (a square) which takes into account oxytocin.

As humans we’re all naturally sensitive to emotions. If you’re paying attention, it’s easy to see when someone is happy, angry, afraid, feeling contempt or apathetic.

As humans, we’re also extremely sensitive to effort and relationships.

Happy = We’re connected and getting to a better place. I’m listening.

Angry = You’re making my life harder. I’m not listening.

Fear = I’m alone. I don’t know what the next step is. I’m not listening.

Contempt = You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not listening.

Apathy = I’m not interested. I’m not listening.

The framework isn’t a way to predict what people will do.

Nobody likes to be judged and nobody likes to be taken for granted. People should never be taken for granted. Everyone has a valuable viewpoint.

The framework is a helpful guide for seeing what is going on under the surface. It’s useful for understanding what people are feeling and by understanding what people are feeling, understanding who’s listening.

Where’s the happy place?

Tony Robbins may not be your guru but he has been remarkably successful when it comes to understanding how emotions impact behavior.

In his “Why we do what we do” TED talk, Mr. Robbins talks about six drivers of behavior (stability, variety, significance, connection, growth and contribution).

Stability and variety are a spectrum. Too much stability is boring. Too much variety is too stressful. Each of us has a happy place when it comes to how much and how fast things change.

Significance and connection are also on a spectrum and everyone has their own happy place on the spectrum. Conspiracy theorists are perfectly happy with the attention they receive when they are the only ones who believe whatever it is they believe. At the other end of the spectrum are those who don’t care what the claim is, as long as their group is all connected in their belief.

Awareness of individual and group “happy places” can help shed light on what people are trying to do.

When confronted with a ton of new, often conflicting, information individuals and groups often default to gut feelings about where to apply effort.

Should we apply effort into doing things differently? Should we fight to keep doing things the same way? Should I fight for my idea or prioritize connection with the group?

Are we blocking viewpoints or collaborating?

Chris Voss spent years as a FBI hostage negotiator.

From his years of dealing with an extremely wide range of people under often stressful situations, he came to the conclusion that there are basically three different personality types: assertive, accommodating and analytical.

Combined with individual “happy places” when it comes to change and relationships, individuals display a rich variety of beliefs and behaviors.

The three personality types described by Mr. Voss provide a really good starting point for deciphering what is going on when people start sharing information.

In his book, Never Split the Difference, he provides a fascinating look at each of the three types and their different perspectives on conversations, effort and even perception of time.

One way to look at the different personality types is through the lens of social strategies.

Group decisions can be hard and the struggle between self preservation and the good of the group is emotional.

No one wants to be left behind or voted off the island, but no one wants to be a lemur blindly running off a cliff with the crowd either.

We all navigate this emotional problem a little differently, but we also all seem to have a dominant hormone when it comes to conversations.

Assertive

Assertive types are dominated by seratonin and prioritize buy-in and action. They don’t care if people are excluded and could care less about conflicting information as long as there is enough support from enough people to get what they want done, done.

During a conversation, assertive types will either use or create breaks in the conversation to inject their beliefs. They will actively seek to block information and advance their priority.

Accommodating

Accommodating types are dominated by oxytocin and prioritize connection. They don’t really care if any action is taking place and aren’t paying close attention to the details of where the group is going as long as the group is getting along and going together.

If there is a pause in the conversation, accommodating types will get uncomfortable and start working to get positive communication started again.

Analytical

Analytical types are dominated by dopamine and prioritize information. They can be socially awkward and easily upset others in their attempts to improve group understanding of complex subjects.

Analytic types can vary widely in their behavior during conversations, from not saying anything to being extremely combative about information which doesn’t fit their current beliefs.

These are extreme, easy to spot, examples of each social strategy. Most of us have a dominant hormone we use to navigate conversations but don’t go to these extremes with our behavior.

The highest performing groups and individuals balance the skills behind each social strategy.

Successful assertive types are extremely sensitive to signals of support and resistance.

Successful accommodating types are extremely sensitive to cohesion and friction.

Successful analytic types are extremely sensitive to information.

Successful groups recognize different personalities and work hard to help each individual contribute to the group effort.

So What?

We are more emotional than rational. This isn’t good or bad. It just is.

Each of us, as individuals, are mostly blind. We can sense a very small part of a very big, very connected planet.

We all have something to learn. We all have something to contribute.

Understanding who’s listening and what each person can contribute to the group effort makes us all better.