Directing my first feature film: Day 1 and an honest look inside my head

We just wrapped on Day 1 of production on independent feature film ‘Moving Ashley’ and I have a lot of feelings about the whole experience, so I decided to write about it. Consider this a public diary of sorts about figure out this whole filmmaking thing…

Here’s some random thoughts, observations and few nuggets of knowledge:

I wish I had been more kind to other new filmmakers

As I go along on my own journey as a first-time director, I keep thinking about past times I’ve been on set with other new or young filmmakers and gotten frustrated.

I AM SORRY.

It’s hard. Really hard. There are a lot of things to think about at any given time and when you aren’t on a closed set or studio lot, a lot of elements are out of your control.

I wish I had shown more compassion and patience and understanding to my fellow filmmakers. If I had only known the challenges you faced, but that is no excuse. All I can say is that my lesson has been learned and I have a newfound respect for indie film directors. No I don’t just respect you, I worship and bow down to you. I want to ask you if you want to start a club — maybe more of a support group? Cuz I feel like I could use one.

The plane, the plane!

Remember when I just said that a lot of elements are out of your control? Today I learned about planes and how at the location we filmed at we had about 2 minutes and 27 seconds between planes flying overhead. Which means you literally have to hold for the plane to fly by because it interferes with audio.

In addition to the planes (as if that’s not an annoyance enough) we had barking dogs, dogs being taken on walks, noisy neighbors, people driving by, people driving by and stopping to stare at us, I kid you not — a buzz saw being used — and a crap ton of birds that sounded really pissed off we were filming so close to the tree they had chosen as their home base. You don’t notice all of that stuff in exacting detail when you’re an actor on set.

It felt nearly impossible to get just one clean take. Just one. That was all I wanted. Patience isn’t just a virtue in filmmaking, it’s a survival skill. A skill that I significantly need to work on.

Failure is part of the process

I was really scared to take this on. Even thought I have more than 30 IMDB credits and have been on A LOT of sets as an actor, the only other project I tackled as a director was a short that I never finished.

I felt, still feel, that the reason it sucks so much is because I let other people down- people that were counting on footage, a film to share and be proud of. They never got that. I didn’t want to do that again.

I rationalize that I wasn’t ready the last time. I was in a really difficult place mentally as I was struggling with deep depression and my heart just wasn’t in it (again, still not fair to the people who gave their time and talent) and there were things that were technically challenging that I didn’t know how to work around at the time AND we unforseen casting issues pop that made reshoots a nightmare.

So I tried to learn as much as I could from that experience and allow that to be my building blocks for laying a foundation of what to do as well as just as importantly,what not to do. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still sting when I hear remarks made that I am incapable or undeserving of a second chance.

That hurts a lot. But it also makes me want to remind others to treat others they way they want to be treated, and let he who is sinless cast the first stone and all of that other noble preaching from the mound talk.

I do deserve another chance. I’m growing. I’m improving. I’m making better choices, getting smarter, working harder and with more precision. And I can’t do that if I just say, “Well, I failed. I’m giving up and going home forever now.” No.

I showed back up and I’m ready to give this another shot. And I’m thankful that for all of the people who try to bring me down, there are plenty of other people who lift me up and trust me enough to do this. Seriously, so thankful.

Pre-production is no joke.

I’ve heard directors talk about how 70% of filmmaking if not more happens before you get on set and wow do I ever get that now.

The amount of planning and organization and forethought that goes into having a successful shoot is mind-blowing! I get why there’s so many people involved on a production.

I thought this would come naturally to me. Easy peasy! I love calendars and planners and scheduling things! My paper planner is my life. This is a whole different rodeo.

I’ve spent weeks worrying about scheduling and rescheduling and rescheduling the reschedules and costumes and prop lists and locations and casting and answering odd questions, that I didn’t have the time I wanted to spend living in the script.

I had to force myself to sit down and just turn off everything else and give myself time to take notes as a director. It was so important because once you get on set and you can plug-and-play all of those notes you made and know your vision, know the end result in your head — it makes it easier to navigate around all of those uncontrollable variables and still get the result you want.

Don’t underestimate the amount of time this will take you. You can never do too much pre-production, especially on an indie set.

Channel your inner MacGyver

We are sparse on equipment. Who are we kidding, we are sparse on everything — money, crew, all of it. I was feeling a little defeated about that, but then I started thinking about some of the favorite directors I’ve worked with and other directors I admire like Robert Rodriguez and I realized that they didn’t let that stop them.

They got creative. They got inventive. They did weird things and tried new things and often times they got stunning or impressive results. Christopher Sheffield, I’m talking about you, my friend.

I want to move forward in that mentality. I want to be brave and bold and turn my lack of stuff into a challenge to be overcome through sheer artistic audacity. How fun does that sound?

Surround yourself with good people

I don’t like being mean to people. I don’t like asking people to do things for free. I also tend to avoid confrontation at all costs. Those can all be difficult things when directing an indie project, so I found someone who is totally ok with all of that to basically be my AD and oh man, what a blessing she’s been.

I also have fears of operating the camera alone- I actually had a nightmare about it and another kickass female filmmaker, Lisa of Platinum Assassin Productions had to come save my butt in dream. In real life, I have my best friend and my partner in crime and my husband, who has also won 11 Emmy’s for documentary filmmaking (that doesn’t hurt) as my DP.

I trust him entirely. That’s a whole other thing, figuring out how to work together on a set as a husband and wife. But, I know that even when we get tense with one another, the shot is going to beautiful.

The lead actors are also phenomenal. They are all in. I know they will be there, and they’ll show up ready to work and give all of themselves to this project. That’s a really remarkable thing. One of them wrote the script and it’s humbling to see him trust me with his baby.

Don’t forget to have fun

I want to do good work. I want to make a good film. I want to deliver something good to all of these people who are showing up for this. But there was a point where our Boom Op made a comment about really loving what he does and you could hear it in his voice and suddenly I had this realization that I had forgotten to enjoy the process.

I do love this. I love being on set. I love working with other creative people and making something really cool. I should treasure this experience and these moments. It would be a shame not to. We are, after all, doing this whole thing as a labor of love- because we love film and we want to tell a story. It’s certainly not for fame or money…obviously.

How transparent is too transparent?

I’ve had this thought at my day job managing a team of people for the first time too and I had it a couple of times today. When you get that feeling of, “Oh shit, I have no idea what I’m doing.” How much faking is good faking?

Like, I’d much rather say that I have no clue how to make something work, call in an expert and make it actually work. That seems like the logical, practical choice. It also seems better for everyone else involved cuz ya know, who wouldn’t rather have an expert?

But am I robbing myself of figuring that out? Does that damage the faith that others have in me if I show a lack of knowledge too often? What is too often? What’s the balance here? I guess that’s something I’m still figuring out.

Know your reasons

People either will or won’t like your work. People will always find something to complain about or point out or be displeased about. Know why you did it. Know why you make the choices you make and own that.

Good or bad, normal or weird, fancy or plain — you have your reasons for every choice you make in your life and as long as you feel ok about it and understand those motives, no one else can take that away from you. You can’t develop your own style, form your own voice, be recognizable for your own work if you’re always trying to just do what everyone else does.

Take risks. Make mistakes. Be free to experiment. Trust yourself.

If people judge or make fun of you for it, so be it. You tried and that’s what matters. You went for it when most others won’t.

I’m saying this as much as a reminder to myself as to anyone else reading this. I forget it too often.

In closing…

With our first day being done, despite the early morning rain (which, really Arizona? You never rain) and the incessant planes and the constant feeling of self-doubt, I feel good.

I feel cautiously optimistically good. We’re reviewing our footage now and making adjustments so we can learn and improve as we go. I plan to keep sharing these honest thoughts with you also as we go. Send advice, send positive thoughts, send resources, send tips and guidance, but keep your negativity to yourself. I’m always willing to learn from someone more experienced or knowledgeable than myself, but I will not waste what little patience I have and am saving for the film set on buttheads.