Exclusive: The Worst People on the Planet Have Been Announced
You won’t believe who it is
There’s a lot of debate over who makes society worse. Some say it’s criminals, some say billionaires, some blame politicians for society’s ills.
But there is one group of people who are worse than all these others combined, and they never field any criticism.
That is until now.
Today we out them and officially announce them as the worst people on planet Earth.
Who are we speaking of?
Morning people.
That’s right. People who get up early in the morning.
These sick bastards have been flying under the radar for a thousand years.
Don’t believe me?
Are you reading this now with a slight low-level stress because you’re up early tomorrow for work?
That’s morning people fucking with you.
They made the rules. They’re the ones who said “Let’s start work at 9am.”
No! Why can’t we start work at 11:30am after a nice brunch? For the love of all that’s holy, why can’t we have brunch?
We made the rules. Brunch should be baked-in.
The whole world is set up for morning people. They made it this way.
I’m convinced all the morning people got together and had a breakfast meeting to decide how the world should be run while the rest of us were having a lie in.
Even the phrase “breakfast meeting” illustrates my point. Those are two words that should never be put together.
Breakfast in bed. All day breakfast. Second breakfast. These are concepts I can get behind.
But breakfast meeting? That idea is the product of a profoundly sick morning-based society.
Every boss you’ve ever had has been a morning person. These are the idiots who rise to the top, rewarded by other morning people for simply being in the office earlier than everyone else.
Oh, Bob must be good at his job because he’s here at 7:45am.
Not really Linda, he just hates his wife and wanted to leave the house.
And so it goes on. One morning person begets another.
What’s worse is that morning people fail to understand how getting up to an alarm is a mini-trauma for the rest of us.
Oh yes, that’s right, if you didn’t know, morning people don’t set alarms. I forgot to mention it. They keep it quiet, but this is a fact, their dirty secret.
I once worked off-site with two morning people. Each day at the hotel breakfast, I’d arrive heavy-headed and in a semi-coma, whilst they’d be doing annoying morning people stuff like having energy, being talkative and breathing too loud.
A couple of weeks in, one of them revealed to me he didn’t set an alarm. Then the other of confessed the same.
“I just wake up naturally up with the sun” he said, as if he opens a window and birds perch on his shoulder and a fawn nuzzles it way in into his room whilst the sun tips its hat to him and orchestral music swirls as sunlight shines upon his early-rising face.
Every morning I’m feeling like a horse had trampled on my head in the night only for these two chipper larks to be at their peak at 7am.
So no more I say. No more! Today we acknowledge that morning people are behind all are woes.
All of them I tell ye!
There is an Illuminati, it’s true, but it’s not shape-shifting lizards, it’s just people who get up two hours earlier than you.
Some come, my night owl brethren, our next step is decide how to take the power back, how to deal with these morning monsters, how to break free from their early tyranny.
Let us gather together and plot the revolution together.
I suggest we meet on a Friday, at 2pm. After a long lunch. We can have a group nap if needed. Then we get down to business.
