The Forgiven Ignorance
In which I swear profusely and gloss over everything
When I was 14 I remember distinctly the moment I knew I was gay. I was watching MTV obviously drifting in and out of the worlds problems on a stream of videos from the catalog of the day ;Nirvana, Live, NIN, but most of all I remember Bush. Actually its probably more apt to say I remember Gavin Rossdale. The hair, the guitar, the voice…pansexual..I MEAN..
I was just going about my normal every afternoon routine of coming home from school, gorging on everything that was remotely edible. Yes I put the F in fat also I put the F in a few other choice adjectives but I’ll get to that in a minute. From the first note of “Glycerin” I was done in. I thought until that moment that I had just somehow missed the boat on the whole boy/girl thing that everyone around me had started to lose their proverbial shit over. I was too concerned with the latest issue of Justice League or X-Men. It was like a lightning strike honestly. I mean I’m from a very small Southern town in the middle of bugfuck Alabama. So it being the mid-nineties being gay wasn’t an option that I favored highly. I had already been nicknamed the fag of SuchandSuch High. I didn’t need to give them any more fuel for the fire known as my formative years. So I kept quiet, active, but quiet, telling only a few close friends and a network of people from my northern family. Then around the age of 17 I came out. It required a ton of hell that would take much longer to explain, but suffice to say a nervous breakdown resulting in a mandatory two and half week 5150 hold at the age of 15 probably played a small part in that. As of March of this year it marked my 15 year anniversary of that particular stain of a memory. I would love to say all the time following that has welcomed great success; financially ,socially etc. ,but that would be a complete fabrication. I lost weight and found my career. Neither of which has been a ride through the park or without their respective bumps along the road. I’m an unemployed Songwriter, who spends his time playing Martha Stewart and writing in hopes of my next big break all the while being bleakly realistic that it may never happen and finding peace in that… somewhere.
That’s why at 30 and it being 2013 I look around expecting to find progress only to see more and more sneers and looks of disgust masked in mildly pleasant expressions, half-hearted smiles, and more than a few “bless your hearts”. I can understand that we’ve come a long way in popular media from the then landmark, now in retrospect, relatively chaste first kiss of Dawsons Creeks’ resident studmuffin Jack McPhee. I remember it vividly because I taped it,yes taped it. It was a thing way back when just like belly shirts and neon hair . There are more inclusive characters now …too a degree. We are still living though under this stigma ;especially in mainstream film, television,Music, and Sports that in order for us to be accepted we should in turn “straight-wash” our culture. I mean I can understand that in its own way. And by understand I mean detest to the nth degree, because we aren’t all as what so lovingly headlines most Grindr profiles; straightacting, masc,discreet blah blah blah. The question seems to be turning from “How do we get them to like us?” to “Are you sure they like us now??, Does this shirt scream Butch!!” I mean to be perfectly honest everytime I hear the buzzwords of the moment “Bro” or “Hipster” I still hear “NoHomo and Fag” respectively floating around in my head. The faces and the terms may change but they seem to mean the same.
Because I have days where I feel such complete and total apathy at the state of the socialscope, I really want to design a wonderful shirt of my own that reads in clear and crisp English “ Everyone Fucks Get Over It”.
I mean that’s what it all breaks down to isn’t it? The fear of and admission that everyone has sex whether gay straight or just boredoutofyourfuckingmind. Its called biology nothing more nothing less so… if for some reason this is news to you well….at this point I just feel very very sad for you and the rock you’ve chosen to live under.
I could do as others have done and try to spur opinion forward by using terms like wedding, white picket fence, minivan, vows, love, etc. but guess what? Those things do not define every persons life gay or straight. So explain to me please why we should try and emulate you? I consider myself and most of the people I know more than just their sexual orientation. Do I hope for acceptance? Sure but that acceptance shouldn’t come at the price of pretending in anyones case to be other than you are. Set the example that being different is okay. Wanting to achieve the impossible is okay. Wanting to wear Pinstripes and Plaid at the same time however is an affront to everything holy and should be avoided if you have even a lick of decency. We need more Zach Quintos , Matt Bomers, Matt Dallas’, and quite a few more Jason Collins’. We shouldn’t have to constantly be required to spout “Love is Love is Love” as the same old tired mantra. Even though it is true, shouldn’t the world that we are trying to build shout “Life is Life! Just Don’t Fuck It Up”
