Just a Weird Trans Girl Series | The Identity Current
What Happened to My Leg?
Just A Weird Trans Girl, Part 1
Now look, I don’t want to be presumptuous and assume that all trans people have the same experience with their, ummmm, “trans-ness,” or whatever, that I experience, but I think most of us know what an “egg” is and what it means when that egg “cracks,” right?
For anyone who doesn’t know, the “egg crack” is essentially that moment where you happen to be looking inward at yourself for some unexplained/dumb reason, and you have this immediate and sudden realization that “shit girl, you’re a girl… I mean, shit man, you’re a girl… I mean shit, we’re transgender.”
Now, your male self is wildly entrenched in its perception of itself, and so, if you’re at all like me, for quite some time you do your best to keep these competing aspects of your personality separate (thus, why above it says “we” are trans).
…this works really well in your daily life, let me tell ya!
You know, you’ll be performing some inane task, like folding laundry, as your male self and suddenly you feel your female self get all uppity and she starts boiling to the surface, and so you kinda just let her have control of “your” body. Suddenly, folding laundry is this exotic experience — this full body activity that — for some reason — involves twirls???!!!
Then, just as suddenly as she arrived, she’s gone and your male self is in charge again…and you feel…huh, he’s boring…
I gotta tell you, during this period in your life (which for me lasted maybe 3 to 4 months) you often blink and you’re female, blink again and you’re male, blink again and you’re…well, you get the point. It’s not a sustainable way to live (at least for me and my identity), but it is highly entertaining for that portion of yourself that watches your Self from just over there by the window!
So that brings me to my leg! The curious amongst you might be asking “Yes! Tell us about the leg! What happened?!!!” The less curious likely got bored after reading the first three words of the title and promptly fell asleep…
Oh, right — the leg story…
Well, there you are, in the shower trying to bring your core body temperature up because you just got back from this stupid long-run thing you do, and it’s winter and you were sweating out there, and your skin, once home, just basically froze over immediately once you peeled off your winter running outfit. Your male self hops in the shower because, well — it’s just easier to deal with your body as male right now… Hmmm, that’s another story…
So you’re busy minding your own business, washing your hair, eyes closed with your head tilted back to get all the shampoo out…
Good? Cool!
So then eyes pop open and you catch a glimpse of girl-you sprinting off to the far corners of your subconscious, and you look forward only to discover your wife’s pink razor in your left hand.
“I didn’t grab my wife’s pink razor,” you think…
As your mind does in these moments when you discover yourself holding your wife’s pink razor, you get curious as to WHY you’re holding your wife’s pink razor. So you start looking around only to discover that your right leg has been shaved — like entirely shaved! How did this happen???
“Ahhhhhhh” you think (out loud, strangely)…and you start to piece together the fact that girl-you showed up while you were washing your hair and she shaved one of your legs. If you had to guess, given enough time, she’d have shaved the other leg, but your eyes popped open and she ran off, leaving you holding the evidence, as it were.
But then, realization hits as a piano falling from the sky like in the cartoons, ya know? And you discover that she shaved only one leg ON PURPOSE!!!
Who would do such a cruel thing? What perverse pleasure does she derive from this?
So now you have a choice to make; or more succinctly, she FORCED you to make a choice. Honestly? This is a pretty mean-tempered thing to leave someone with.
Either you flat out refuse to shave the other leg OR you shave that other leg to match the first!
Shit, rock and a hard place…
If you don’t shave that other leg then you get to give this internal woman the middle finger (“Ha!! See?? I control me, not YOU!!!), in which case you have to explain to anyone who happens to notice — namely your wife — why you shaved one leg. And for real, can you imagine explaining how your body was co-opted by girl-you while you were busy doing other things? Your wife thinks your crazy enough! Keep this part to yourself.
…OR you have to give up yet another small portion of this identity you spent many good years crafting, and let girl-you creep even further into your life from YOUR OWN CHOICE!!! Ugh…
“That’s a pretty good one, girl-you,” you think!
Well, we all know how this ends, right? Yeah, you pass your wife’s pink razor to your other hand and you shave the other leg...except you’re really awful at shaving legs and cut yourself 16 times and leave patches of hair here and there. How did girl-you know how to shave that first leg without all this fuss?!! Damn, she’s good!!!
And once you finish with shaving the other leg, girl-you pops into your mind for like 2 seconds just to say “HA, BITCH! I gotcha!!!”
…she’s totally fucking with you. And she’s clever. Like really clever!
And so there you are, dripping wet, luxuriating in at least one perfectly smooth leg, and you’re starting to realize more and more, every day, that this clever girl is slowly taking over your life…
…twirls and all!
