Living and Loving as a Borderline
Worse Than a Werewolf
I’m diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which means at any given moment I’m switching between happy, horny, sad, and ANGRY. Having borderline personality disorder and having relationships is...tricky. Especially because one of the most prominent traits in BPD is erratic moods, including way more anger and irritability than your average person feels in a 24-48 hour span.
I'd say I'm about 80% softness and safety and 20% bear trap. But the thing about knowing that you're 20% bear trap is that you do everything you can not to trigger the trap. You know that sometimes you're kinda scary and so you try really hard not to be. So you're constantly monitoring yourself and committing an inhuman amount of energy to Not Being Mad.
And so when I DO pop off or really feel anger at all, it's always accompanied with an extreme side helping of guilt and shame where I analyze everything I did and usually have a panic attack or meltdown and then dissociate for awhile, pretty much involuntarily.
And all of this just makes me think I ought to be alone forever.
The two people I've been in the longest relationships both said at one point or another that they were scared of me.
I tend to get loud, especially if the other person interrupts me or says something factually incorrect, or is deliberately misinterpreting me, or...so yes, I tend to get loud. I'm working on it.
I used to throw things. I don't anymore. But I used to love to throw my phone especially. I have had some fucking indestructible phones.
I used to love slamming doors. I still do that, very occasionally, but sometimes it’s just a necessary punctuation mark on an emphatic declaration. It must be done. But I’m working on it.
Dating me is like Russian roulette with a hair trigger. You’ve barely touched that trigger and, BOOM, the mood has changed.
When I’m close to someone I find myself fixating on things like asking "Where are you going?" every time a partner starts to leave the room. I have no chill. "What are you doing?" "Are you mad at me?" The epitome of “I hate you; don’t leave me!”
Has anyone here known someone with borderline? How would you describe them?
How was the sex?
I was in a fight with my last partner. I went to bed, he went for a walk. In toxic girlfriend fashion I texted him to tell him off for walking away and leaving and then passed out for the night. and when I woke up at 6am the next morning and checked my phone I had a single response from him: "I’m scared of you." How do you take that? Part of me feels horrified of myself. A little proud?
Of course, this partner ended up slapping and threatening me, so who should have been afraid of whom seems a bit murky.
I'm like a werewolf but worse. A werewolf has a fairly predictable cycle that you can make plans around. "Ah fuck, it's that time of the month again. I'll fuck off to the woods for the weekend so I don't eat anyone I care about. Awoooo!" That's a pretty reliable system.
I don't have that luxury.
As I cycle through each mood, I wonder which of them is the "real" me. Can my identity ever be static and knowable? Or will I crash and burn through relationship after relationship until there’s nothing left of us but ash?
Or, is there a third option? One where I am loved for all my parts. Cherished, respected, beloved for even my rage and despair.
After all, I am one fascinating bitch.
