How I turned out to be lazy
Once we quit something, there is a mountain we need to climb to start it again.
It was an idea, a brief moment of spark which convinced me this could change the whole direction of the project I was hired for doing. In case of every other idea of mine, I always wanted validation first because I was afraid of failure.
A lot of my ideas had been shelved already and I was at a bad state by letting the rejection overpower me. I started to get paranoid as to why I was failing continuously even after pushing so hard.
I realised, I was thinking about what I can do and how to convince my team to go ahead with my ideas instead of thinking about the most important person in this story.
The user.
It was a constrained project, a lot of limitations, faster execution, unwillingness to fail and restrictive to gather feedback from the users. In all this chaotic rush towards building the perfect product, I was stuck waiting to find the right idea and inspiration with fear.
The fear of what would happen If I committed a mistake. Valuable time lost, me being deemed useless and unfit for this career.
For me fear trumped everything else, I mean everything. Never had I not known the next step, uncertainty was irritating and frightening for me.
However, the biggest decision of my life, my career was based on uncertainty and I chose to ignore it because I have seen the magic.
Yes, there’s magic in what I do, it isn’t visible but it surrounds me and choses the right time to barge in and put on the show. Those moments of sheer magic enhance the quality of my work, life and love.
So, I persisted on ideas and then lo behold, the moment hit me. An idea I had stood out from the rest and this time instead of running behind people to get it validated, I built a prototype and showed it.
“This is the most excited I have seen him ever” were the words of my boss when I showed by Idea to his boss.
I succeeded and I stopped there. A mistake that has cost me till date.
I had everything I wanted, a job with a year in hand to complete my education. A scholarship to help me live on my own. An understanding set of Indian parents (rarity) and a big, fat, bulging ego.
Once I stepped back into college, I stopped the pursuit altogether. It was as if I achieved everything I wanted and gave into whatever was urgent. My discipline tanked and the threshold of withstanding pain fell down to the level of infants.
‘I don’t want to’ was the favourite phrase that I used and the downtrodden path I never wanted to pursue seemed ever so fascinating.
Whenever I learned something new, I applied it immediately and was satisfied with the outcome. I never did it again.
I never wanted to fail and this bloated my ego and made fear of rejection lead my path.
This continued for a long time, I pushed back on learning and experimentation and was clouded by judgment and comfort.
I realised that I was in the wrong path, yet I choose to do nothing.
Nothing.
I let the helplessness overpower me, take me to a state of pity and moralisation. Covered in a veil of Ego and Fear, I let myself lose.
I still don’t want to put this forward, I mean who wants the story of the mistake they kept on repeating in a world full of positivity, productivity and humility.
But this was something I needed to say, you might not choose to hear it but it definitely is worth talking for me.
