Two Feet Below C-Level

ANOTHER WEEKEND, another sponsored BIG4BANK hack-a-thon tech challenge. Staff attendance was entirely voluntary, absolutely no pressure, noted BIG4BANK CEO Sir Barrington Topps approvingly in his gushing introduction.

“However, it is encouraging that so many of our middling management teams have volunteered to give up their precious free time so willingly, and provide thought-leadership for such a good cause. As you know, this hack-a-thon will focus on digital social innovation and how we might address the wicked problems of poverty and homelessness…”

Veering from his carefully prepared script, Sir Barrington continued. “The bank is proud to be able to donate its expertise, and some of its cleverest minds, to this noble enterprise… We’ve given a great deal to the Australian people over the years…”

“Though not as much as the Australian people have given to you,” sniggered Project Manager #PsychoSteve, cynically. He sat hunched and dandruff speckled in the front row of the seated audience, fiddling with his laptop. He had already been awake 56 hours straight, wrestling with a failing project, and his head was sore. And now, because of the hack-a-thon, he had been forced to cancel his plan to spend the weekend locked in the stationary cupboard, updating his spreadsheets.

“However, it’s not just a one-way street,” continued Sir Barrington, “as there will undoubtedly be benefits for us at organizational level, as well. It’s vital that we keep abreast of the latest waves of financial technology, and stay ahead. That’s why these types of ‘fintech’ incubation workshops are absolutely essential to our continued success. And that’s why I strongly encourage you to attend — if you want to have a job in the future, that is.”

Simone of the Desert, sitting in the second row, nodded glumly. She had cancelled that hot yoga weekend in Noosa with her girlfriends that she had so been looking forward to.

“And we’re once again thrilled,” continued Sir Barrington, “to have the inimitable Dick Tidybeard, the famous business entrepreneur, and CEO of Tidybeard Airlines, join us over the weekend. Dick will present some absolutely fabulous prizes, including up to $25 in startup funding, to the winning team. The finale of the hack-a-thon will be live-streamed globally on NoticeBox — so this really is your chance to shine on a world stage.”

Brad, slouched at the back, stared vaguely at his phone, attempting to focus on an interesting article on the breeding habits of the giant rat of Sumatra. Sticky bits of the two bacon and egg rolls that he had eaten earlier that morning were still mapped firmly to his face. Because of the enforced hack-a-thon he had been forced to cancel his plans to spend the weekend lying on the couch at home watching Season III of World’s Funniest Fatal Accidents.

“We’re going to kick off this evening,” continued Sir Barrington, “with the discovery workshops — and I know that there are plans for some really quite exciting activities to get us started and thinking out of the box. I look forward to seeing what you come up with…”

Leading Creative Technologist Kim Briki listened quietly from one of the high-tech work areas, as Sir Barrington finished. Kim didn’t say much. Forced to attend the hack-a-thon by #PsychoSteve, he had cancelled his planned weekend dredging sediments from the holding tanks at the abandoned chemical works. Surrounded by a battery of enormous monitors and a hysterical babble of over-excited BIG4BANK interns, he remained calm. He moved his attention more closely to one of the five huge monitors ranged around him, tapped lightly at the screen and a bright cascade of coloured code unrolled. Chemical symbols and scientific names. Dosage amounts. Suitable mediums for administration.

Other bank-a-thon teams were already buzzing on a mixture of excitement, fear, loathing and the poor quality cocaine that facilitator Trent Sickener had been passing around his mates from marketing. Sickener, wax-faced and over-grinned, jumped up onto the podium to take over from Sir Barrington.

“ALL-RIGHT!” squawked Sickener. “ALRIGHT, ALL YOU WONDERFUL BIG4BANK PEOPLE! ARE YOU READY TO TACKLE SOME WICKED SOCIAL PROBLEMS? LET ME HEAR YOU SAY YES!”

“YES!” shrieked the interns.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” groaned #PsychoSteve.

“RIGHT! LET’S GO AND KICK SOME DIGITAL SOCIAL DISADVANTAGE ASS!”

Careful not to splatter his laptop, #PsychoSteve leaned forward and vomited a mixture of single-origin coffee, amphetamine, meat pies, and what looked like pearl tea onto the polished workshop floor.

The four colour-coded bank-a-thon teams, red, blue, green and yellow, worked solidly across an exhausting weekend, brain-storming and sketching, diverging and converging, prototyping and building. Dick Tidybeard flew in by Tidybeard helicopter on the Sunday evening, to judge the contest and present the prize. After a warm welcome from BIG4BANK CEO Sir Barrington Topps, Tidybeard got down to work, grinning mouthily into the live-streaming NoticeBox cameras. Tidybeard hammily made a show of listening intently, as each team in turn presented their proposal on how to address social disadvantage, poverty and homelessness.

A shy intern from the red team was first up onto the stage. She nervously looked behind for moral support from #PsychoSteve, but he remained slumped and unconscious at his desk — as he had for most of the weekend.

“We concentrated on the area of homelessness, and how the bank can use big data in practical ways to help their customers…”

“Wonderful,” grinned Tidybeard. “This what we like to hear.”

Encouraged, the shy intern from the red team continued.

“We have such a vast amount of information about our customers… How much they earn, how much they spend, what they buy… when and where they pay their utility bills, how much gas and electric they are using. Using even basic data-sets, we can quickly identify where our customers have investment properties and which of those investment properties are unoccupied at any given time…”

“Uh-huh,” nodded Tidybeard, cautiously.

“And basically, we can then set up BIG4BANK systems to match those empty properties with needy families, to optimize usage of the available housing stock …”

“Hmnn…”

“We can manage this using our new digital dashboard…” The intern pointed to a monitor where a bright, blinking, digital map indicated popular investment areas. “…which is already showing that a large proportion of luxury housing stock is available right now…As you can see, in the Palm Beach area…”

“The Palm Beach area?” questioned Sir Barrington, noting the three large red blips on the screen where part of his structured retirement portfolio occupied prime ocean-view sites.

“As you can see, in the Palm Beach area, up to 75% of housing stock is currently empty or under-occupied. There’s really no need for children to sleep on the streets when such a large amount of suitable property has been identified as vacant… We can get families off the street and into housing right now,” beamed the shy intern.

“Let’s move on to the Blue Team, shall we,” snapped Sir Barrington, interrupting.

A shy intern from the blue team was pushed forward, protesting, by Simone of the Desert.

“This is one of the very brightest young stars in the bank,” grinned Simone of the Desert, in a very loud and confident voice, flashing her handsome teeth at the cameras. “I’d like to introduce Capability Uplift, spokesperson for the blue team. She’s going to tell you about something disruptively simple.”

“Our proposal, Sir Barrington, sir,” said Capability, shyly, “attempts to tackle poverty, sir.”

“A little louder Capability, please,” grinned Tidybeard. “I really want everybody to hear this.”

“We concentrated on poverty, sir,” said the shy intern, a little louder.

“Uh-huh,” said Tidybeard, encouragingly.

“And in our analysis and discovery sessions we used role-playing techniques to investigate what it is that people who …experience poverty… really… really need, sir.”

“INSIGHTS,” whispered Simone of the Desert in a very loud, shouted whisper. “Tell them about the INSIGHTS, Capability.”

“Ah yes,” continued the intern, “Insights. And one of our key insights is that what poor people really need is money, sir.”

“Money,” nodded Tidybeard.

“So that’s exactly what we give them, sir. Money.”

“Money?”

“Yes, sir. And we wanted to be fair and avoid the stigma attached to charity…”

“Avoid stigma,” nodded Tidybeard. “Yes, I can groove to that.”

“So we decided to give money to ALL the bank’s customers.”

“Uh-huh?”

“Using a simple hack to BIG4BANK’s existing backend payment systems we add $1,000,000 to each customer’s account. And this would effectively eliminate poverty not only for ALL of our customers, but also — so our research shows — across their extended family groups as well. AND give a huge boost to the entire economy of the Asia-Pacific region.”

There was a smattering of applause. Dick Tidybeard looked puzzled.

“And…uh, where would all this money come from, er, Capability?”

“Oh, we just make it up. It’s all virtual money, anyway. As you know, money is a social construct. I mean, BIG4BANK doesn’t REALLY have a huge vault continuing all its depositors’ money… The bank creates virtual money all the time. So, it’s just a matter of distribution.”

“Thank you, Ms. Uplift,” interrupted Sir Barrington, sharply, glaring at Simone of the Desert. “I’m cognizant of the fact that the clock is ticking and we have another two teams to hear from yet. Green Team?”

Kim Briki finished some last minute adjustments to a handset and then pushed it into the excited hands of one of his intern team members. Kim didn’t say much.

The spotty young intern moved confidently to centre stage and held the handset up to the cameras, proudly.

“HEY!” he said, loudly. “My name is Justin Thyme, and it’s my ambition to become a C-level BIG4BANK executive one day.”

“Admirable ambition,” nodded Sir Barrington. “Do please continue, Justin.”

“Our proposal is a lot more pragmatic than those we’ve already seen,” grinned Justin. “And we’ve already built! — and tested! — a working prototype! We have our concept ready for PRODUCTION!!”

“Goodness!” grinned Sir Barrington.

“Sounds like a winner,” grinned Dick Tidybeard.

“I can give you a demo right now,” continued the spotty intern, jumping down off the stage and approaching a nearby ATM machine. “I just open the app on my phone, tap in my security credentials and wave the phone at the terminal…”

The intern waved the phone at the ATM terminal and it flickered and gurgled. A bundle of banknotes slid out from a slot and was snatched up triumphantly by the intern.

“Rapid access to funds! And I don’t even need to use my BIG4BANK card!”

“Very impressive,” nodded Tidybeard, thoughtfully.

“Access an ATM by just using your phone? Yes. That’s all very good, er, Justin,” added Sir Barrington, “but it’s not exactly… groundbreaking, is it? I mean, haven’t we seen this before? Don’t some of our wonderful BIG4BANK apps have this functionality built in already?”

“Ah!” squawked Justin Thyme, excitedly, “those apps only work if you have money in your account! This app gives money to those who need it most — those who don’t have any money in their account! This app gives you access to other people’s accounts! It uses customer intelligence data to re-distribute funds from those with obviously surplus wealth to those who are really in need!”

“Access to other people’s accounts?”

“Exactly! So even the insolvent can get access to the funds they need!”

“And you’ve built this already?”

“It’s right here and working. Ready for release.”

Sir Barrington looked pale.

“YELLOW TEAM,” he shouted.

There was a shuffling of paper and cardboard and angry mutterings from the yellow corner.

“Yellow team?” asked Sir Barrington again. “Have you got something to show us?”

Red faces and toxic whispers. Brad pushed a bundle of tatty sheets towards an intern. She pushed it back toward him.

“I’m NOT doing it,” she hissed, loud enough for the camera microphones to pick up. “God, this is so embarrassing.”

“Be right with you, Sir Barrington” stalled Brad. “Just having a few technical issues.”

Brad attempted to push the papers onto another intern, but he pushed back angrily, shaking his head.

“We’ll have to hurry you, yellow team. The clock is ticking,” remarked Dick Tidybeard. “And the world is watching…”

Brad was forced to get up onto the podium himself. He stared blankly at the hovering cameras.

“Ah. Yes. Well…”

“Don’t be nervous,” said Dick Tidybeard, helpfully. “Tell us a little bit about the background to your idea, yellow team.”

“Background? Oh yeah, background. Well, we uh, we… thought we’d build an app to help the homeless… but uh… I couldn’t be bothered… I mean we couldn’t think of anything useful so, uh, we came up with this idea for a board game instead…”

“A board game? For the homeless?”

“Yes. Well, more of a concept, really. As we, uh, we… didn’t really have time to get it finished.”

Brad shamefacedly displayed some spidery scrawls and badly drawn, hideously clichéd goblin type characters, on a dirty, smudged, A3 sheet.

“They can throw a dice and choose to be whatever character they like.”

“Interesting. Who’s that character there on the right?” asked Dick Tidybeard. “Looks like a badger with a sword?”

“No. That’s an elf. An elf with a sword.”

“An elf? A homeless elf?”

“Yes. And the best thing about the game is that the players can choose to wear the cloak of invisibility.”

“Ah. Invisibility. So no one can see them?”

“Yes. No one can see them and see that they’re homeless.”

“Stealthily protecting their privacy?!”

“Yes. And it means that we don’t have to see them either. In fact, that’s the whole point of the game. No matter what combination of dice you throw, if you’re homeless, you’ll always have to wear the cloak of invisibility.”

“Remarkable,” noted Sir Barrington, approvingly. “Now that’s what I call lateral thinking. Tackling the social stigma of homelessness — while incrementally adding to the value of the property portfolios of some of our largest customers. Really quite remarkable.”

“Well, it’s only an idea,” added Brad, tepidly. “So far.”

Sir Barrington and Dick Tidybeard looked across at each other and nodded. They had a winner.