She’s Still My Lady

My wife feels like she isn’t attractive anymore since her mastectomy last year. How can I show her that she still turns me on without seeming like I’m just paying her lip service?

— Rob from Grand Rapids.

Dear Rob,
I know exactly what your wife is going through. I recently suffered the loss of a favorite scarf of mine. A gorgeous blue number that I got on ridiculous discount at Bloomingdales. Every time I wore it I felt sexy and confident as if I were Barbra Streisand.

I’ve recently taken a lover in a petite yoga instructor from Thailand named ‘Sofa’. During one of Sofa’s world famous Thai-thigh massages he noticed I was feeling down about something. When I told him of my loss he laughed at me as if I were Gallagher smashing a watermelon. He said I was a complete fool if I thought the loss of a scarf would take anything away from the firm and sensual woman that I am. He told me it was my strength and thick skin that made him leave his impoverished family for me. It was the way that I would touch his nape and whisper the most tender of desires that made him leave his crippled son and wife of twelve years; and while he knew the scarf must have meant a lot to me, it didn’t define me.

While your wife’s breast may not be Dooney & Burke I think you can take a page from my limber little concubine and tell her much of the same. Maybe even buy her a new scarf. It won’t replace her old one, but she’ll appreciate it.