I’m just going to talk for a while because I’m older than you and your head is bedeviled with nonsense. (There will be no questions.)

There are things you need to have: A dark suit, a workout you like, a few friends who will not co-sign your bullshit. Today we’re going to talk about getting you a go-to salad.

I don’t care about a great salad bar you know about. And this has nothing to do with your recent kale epiphany. (Fascinating, by the way.)

I am talking about a collection of fresh ingredients you can get in most stores, which you will never tire of, and can eat twice a week for the rest of your life.

Stop your caterwauling! I’ll let you choose the ingredients. Think about the alternatives! Do you want to just eat junk and get cancer? Do you want to slug across the couch with a Cheetos bag wondering what to have for dinner three nights a week? … I didn’t think so.

We’re talking about building muscle memory here. Marines must be able to assemble their weapon in minutes in the dark: You must achieve that same precision with your salad. It will save your life. You must be able to fix it without thinking, in any time zone, perhaps zero gravity.

It is your go-to salad, and no one else’s. If someone else has the same go-to salad, you must make it your vendetta to hunt that person down and avenge your salad.

Here is my go-to salad. I recommend that you do not attempt to adopt it as your own.

JEFF ELDER’S GO-TO SALAD

Spring mix greens

Broccoli crowns, steamed tender

Grape tomatoes

Avocado

Goat cheese

Walnuts

Annie’s Goddess Dressing

Hunk of sourdough bread

When I text my partner and say: “Salad?” It means “Do you want me to fix us the go-to salad for dinner tonight?” But we don’t have to say all that worthless, throat-clearing, domestic dialogue. Because we have focus.

Obviously, if you have a domestic partner, the go-to salad will need to be negotiated. Take all the time you need. A couples counselor may be brought in.

I recommend requisitioning the appropriate equipment and implements. Invest in a cutting board, knife, salad bowl you can count on. Don’t skimp! This is an investment.

Oh: No croutons.*


*I know you love croutons.