The downs, downs, up and downs of my 40 Mile Ultra.
Running ultras is quite frankly one of the most mentally physically arduous ‘mind’ fucks of all time.
I know that because I did it yesterday. Let me first explain why. I’m mills btw.
9 months ago I changed my life. Realising that chasing business success was no longer a voyage I was willing to exclusively focus on. (No matter what success came the damp cloth in my heart was still present).
I decided that I needed to prove to myself I was capable of actually achieving something using my own body (a body I’d basically abused for 38 years.
I didn’t really like running so I decided I’d attempt to become as close to an elite Ultra Runner as I could (in mindset if not actual physical prowess)
In October 2018 I take on Amy First 100 Mile Ultra race. It will likely take me around 20 hours of non stop running including running through the night. I’m scared.
In 9 weeks from today I will be running my first ever 62 Mile Ultra race – where I run from london to Brighton on my own. Oh the lols.
Yesterday I took on my first ever 40 Miles. The purpose being I learned as much as I could about running such a feat (after doing it I am happy to call it a feat, because it was jokes hard) and to make mistakes so that I could build from it.
I travelled to Windsor so that I could run all the way back home along the Thames to Clapham. Motivationally this felt better than simply running in self navigated circle from my house.
It started off well, my hype game was strong. Recording a podcast minutes before I kicked off.
I like sharing. I’ve realised so much of my ‘being’ is driven by the feeling of some how impacting on others, ideally inspiring them (you). So I filmed the realness of my journey as I went. See below for realness 101.
It both served to inform and entertain! – My Co founder, and best mate Sinx, messaged me half way through saying he knows he shouldn’t but he’d been laughing non stop at my pain!, as well as given me and my coach some insights for the next 9 weeks training.
In short, the race was unbelieving hard. Although there is success in failure (I call this succailure) this run didn’t exactly go to plan.
I had to repeatedly walk, I was nearly sick multiple times, at one point some madness fever hit me and I had to Phone my wife in almost tears (this was half way, and trust me when you feel like it’s over, knowing there is another 20 miles ahead of you isn’t quite the motivator you need). I’m well aware of the mental bombardment of negativity that hits you hard on these types of runs but yesterday was a challenge that truly took me off guard.
The best way I can explain it is the feeling of stress you get in those dreams we all have where you’re late for something and can’t get there. I kept feeling I was in a dream, a nightmare where I was in a dark forest (I was often in woods so this makes sense) and the anxious feeling of being late kept filling my heart and gut. At one particularly dark stage I crossed an empty road and kept recounting me being hit by the motorbike that wasn’t actually there. I kept thinking about how lucky I had been not to have been hit. It was so strange and I kept recounting the crash even though it never happened. Suffice to say I crossed every road from then on with ultra diligence.
I adore running, I’d go as far as saying it saved me from the despair of unhappiness that had plagued my ultra happy life! – something about running just unlocks life in a way I’ve never ever appreciated before. Please start running. Please.
Yesterday I didn’t like running, in fact I hated it. As I retort in the video it’s madness how you go through so many emotions in the space of near 8 hours I was on my feet (I should have run it quicker but a week of bad preparation put tide to that – namely no proper sleep as I’ve been so excited by recording my podcasts) – guilt, unhappiness, self loathing, doubt, pointlessness, darkness… as this incredible film which I always watch explains, Running ultras is ‘life in a day’
The Thames path is beautiful, so empty and peaceful. The perfect place to take the mind and body to complete negative zero. In many ways the mission was to break. I broke. But the beauty was even though I broke I didn’t stop. That’s the mental game right there. That’s the thing all Good runners tell you. It’s all mental.
Although this was solo, I felt I was being cheered on. A genuine ultra thanks to everyone who watched the Instagram stories and sent encouragement. Last night as I basically laid in my own piss ( I found it hard to move) I read and replied to every message. I’m lucky to have so many people be inspired by my journey.
Thank you. I woke up this morning completely forgetting the horrific mind games I experienced and so I’m just about to head out again for a few hours to free the incredibly tight legs. That’s how jokes the mind is!
Millsy, Ultra Runner! Podcaster and all round jokes. If you want to say hi I’m always Talky at mills@ustwo.com
Btw I’m extra proud of my daily podcast where I rant and rave about life and discovering happiness. I’d obviously love you to like it to.
Here is today’s podcast recorded the day after the 40 Miles Run aka today (assuming you are reading today and not not today)
My coach Sam wanted to know what I ate on the run. This was a major part of my downfall… I burned 4,500 calories and only managed to take down 2.5 Tribe bars (550 cal’s) 2 packs of peanuts (600c) 2 bananas (180c) and two packs of watermelon (60 calories) – I found eating to be hard. I just couldn’t stomach a consistent intake. The plan was to eat every 50 minutes but that stopped after hour 3.
Another total fuck up was the water intake, against the better judgement of my 9 year old daughter Gracie, I put hot water and salt into my backpack so that I created my own sodium drink. 30 mins into the run I realised I had made a major mistake as it was utterly disgusting. I only managed to drink three small bottles of water on the whole 8 hours.
